MY MOM is MEntally abusing me.

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/3/2009 3:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I recently graduated class of 2009 ive been 18 for half a year now. And to all my friends and i we all thought that my misery would end there. That my mom would quit being so horrible to me. I know to my mom im her daughter and all she wants is the best for me and of me. But she is mentally breaking me down. My brother is 24 he didnt graduate on time, he currently is unemployed but in her eyes its more like he's the golden child. I hear things like "Why couldnt you be more like your brother?" or "It's not that i dont love you, i've just loved him longer." My mom and i dont agree on much . She gets annoying, wearing my clothes, styling in a non-motherly way at her age of 43. Sometimes I catch myself feeling like she tries to compete with me like so as if she's always the better than me in EVERYTHING. No matter how wrong she is, she's ALWAYS right. No matter how cruel and mean she is, she's NEVER sorry. Everyone says that she tries to live her life through mine, going through all my stuff, which leads to say I have NO privacy whatsoever. Listening to my conversations over the phone, going through my phone, telling me who i can and can't be friends with. She wants me to become a gold digger like her. But growing up i've seen what my mom has went through and money is not that much important to me. I want to be happy. I want to live life the way i want to. Im now a full time college student with a license in Cosmetology. I am far ahead from the game then my brother ever will be but I am just not good enough for her. I dont know what to do . I could cry in the shower for hours because I feel trapped and unappreciated. All the way to 18 I havent enjoyed my life one bit, My parents own a business therefore I've worked every single weekend of my life. All of my friends go out and have a good time, but me im stuck here being my moms puppet. Ive tried talking to her numerous of times but like i said She's ALWAYSS right. What do i do? :( 
I registerd today because I need help.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 6/3/2009 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi CMC Beauty,

Congratulations on your graduation…..that is a wonderful accomplishment, and you should feel very proud of that, along with going to college and being a cosmetologist. Those are all things to feel really good about, and I hope you realize that and feel a sense of pride.

I’m really sorry to read about all that you are going through with your mom. Being mentally or emotionally abused by someone is really painful, especially when it is coming from a parent. I’m always hesitant to tell people to distance themselves from their parents, but in some cases, that is the healthiest thing to do, even if the distancing is a temporary thing. I had to do this with my father when I was about your age, and it is only in recent years that we have been on regular speaking terms, and now I think we have as decent a relationship as we’re ever going to have. It’s not the way I wanted it to be, but it is the best I can hope for, given the circumstances. It’s sad when we have to establish firm boundaries with a parent in this way, but now that you are an adult, it is up to you to make the best of your life and take good care of yourself.

It’s hard to figure out why a parent would want to compete with a child, but I do know it happens in families, and it seems to me that it happens most often with a child of the same gender. I’m not sure if it involves the parent’s regrets over their own choices, or their wish to live vicariously through the child, or if they never learned what healthy boundaries were with their own parents, but the upshot in this case is that your mom is making your life miserable. Going through your personal items, listening to your conversations, and invading your privacy in this way is not only inappropriate….it is downright disrespectful. I’m sorry to say this, because I can tell that despite all that she has done, you still love her and want her to love you and feel proud of you for who you are. I do believe that she does loves you, but IMO her methods of relating to you are unhealthy and detrimental to your self-esteem. It’s unfortunate that wisdom and maturity do not always come with age, and in your mom’s case, I feel that she has a lot of issues to work out about her own self-esteem, particularly if she feels the need to compete with you, by wearing your clothes and acting or dressing in a way that is not age-appropriate.

My heart really went out to you when I read your message, particularly when you said that you could spend hours crying in the shower. I felt like that a lot over the years, wishing that my father would not be so cruel to me, and praying that he would find a way to love and accept me for the person I am, even though my personal characteristics, talents and values are all quite different than his. I spent a lot of time in therapy working on my feelings towards my father, and trying to understand why he is the way that he is, and finding ways to deal with my own feelings about him and about myself. It really helped me a lot, and with a lot of patience and work, I am finally able to have a civil conversation with him, and set my own boundaries for our communications, so that I can walk away feeling good about myself, no matter what happens. I don’t know if you would consider talking with a counselor, but it might be really helpful to you, too.

You mentioned feeling trapped in your current circumstances, and I wonder if this means you are not in a position to move out of your parents’ home. If you could gain some distance from your mom, it would probably improve things a lot for you, but I also understand that college is a financially tough time for most people, so perhaps this would not be possible.

I’m really glad you posted here on the forum, and I hope you will come back and post with us some more. The support on here can be really beneficial, and I know it always makes me feel really good to talk with others on here who understand and can share their compassion. Please take good care of yourself, and remember that you are a wonderful person with a lot to feel proud about.


"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust



Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:21 AM (GMT -6)   
hi beauty, u need to become untrapped, to evolve as the smart, intellectual you are. follow your gut instincts, may well be time to leave the roost, if you conform you will take a much greater time in being you. enjoy your acheivements, and well done too!! i hope sincerely that you recognise you, your uniqueness, your talents and your continued development as a treasured person of this universe. healings my friend, jamie

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:35 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello Beauty and welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.

Congratualtions on your graduation..........that is a milestone for you so be proud of yourself.  :-)

Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation & control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

I am so sorry you are going through this with your Mom and no one should ever have to be subjected to abuse of any kind.

Is there someone you can talk to, perhaps you family physician.  Sometimes therapy is an option but coming here and talking to us is another good way of being able to get your feelings out and find support.

Again a warm welcome to HealingWell. 



Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Depression,  & 
*~* *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 6/4/2009 6:49 AM (GMT -6)   
CMC Beauty girl i understand how you feel. I am 20 and i am still going through this mess. You need to focus on you. ignore her as best as possible or its going to make you crazy. you have a license in cosmo. use it to your advantage. get a part time job or something and save your money.
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