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Posted 9/15/2004 10:12 PM (GMT -8)

Ok, let me start from the beginning. My boyfriend of 3 years died almost 9 months ago. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Mostly because my biggest fear in life has always been that I'll get in a fight with someone and leave mad and one of us dies. Well, it happened and I'm scared to death now. I know that he loves me and I know he knows that I love him, but it still tears me up inside to know that the last words we said to each other were very hurtful. He was my best friend in the whole world...he was my soul mate.

So about 3 months went by and I felt I was showing some progress in getting better. Then 2 of my friends died in a car accident, a week later one of my friends drowned, a month later a guy I've been friends with since elementary school killed his parents, and then 2 months later my uncle died. It doesn't help that I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 4 1/2 months, plus the stress of working all the time and trying to finish schoool.

I feel like I'm a totally different person now. Nine months ago I was somewhat normal. Now I have an anxiety disorder, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder. I see a counsler once a week, I just started back on Lexapro, and yesterday my doctor decided that I should see a physciatrist. I've always had a mild case of OCD, because of my constant worrying and fear. I can't help it either. I worry that I'm gonna get in my car and someone is gonna hit me, or that I'm gonna be walking down the street and someone is going to shoot me. Things that are not very likely to happen, but I constantly worry about things like that. And everything that has happened to me lately has made it worse.

Everything in my life is starting to perish. I'm tired of having to rely on medication to get me through the day and having to go see all these people to try and make me better. I just want my life back. Is there anyone out there who feels like me? I need to talk to someone that I can relate to...that's been through the same thing.

NiCOLE

**Yes, I did post this in a different section also, but this pretty much explains everything without me going into detail. And I have one more question...what is CBT? It sounds like something I'd be interested in...but I'm not sure what it is.

Posted 9/15/2004 11:23 PM (GMT -8)
I just read your post and I'm so so sorry you've had to go through those terrible losses. Please keep letting people support you as much as you can. It's OK to depend on people; it's not a selfish thing!!

I believe in medication after other avenues have been explored. I've read a lot of professional psychiatric journals and it's usually best to use a combination of psychotherapy and medications. I've been taking medications for about 15 years. I tried to go without for a year after my illness began, but I simply couldn't do it. In fact, I don't like meds, but they've really helped.

CBT is the acronym for "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy." Cognitions are thoughts we automatically have to certain events throughout our day. These thoughts are so ingrained into our thinking it's hard to "catch" the thoughts as we think them. People with anxiety/depression etc. often have cognitive errors in their thinking processes; like, magnification, perfectionism, overgeneralization, etc. In short, CBT helps undue our negative thinking.

Hope this has been of some help, and let others support you. Others often have a feeling of satisfaction knowing they can make a difference.

Keep going and never give up!

Greg.
Posted 9/17/2004 7:58 AM (GMT -8)
Nicole, I know I posted to you on another thread, Greg is right, get into CBT it really will help you alot! I know it has for me and I am so much better than I was a year ago! I still have rough days but I can control my thoughts much better now and not allow them to take over. Writing everything down helps alot. The more you write the better you will feel. What I do when I am feeling some antispitory anxiety I write out a pro/con list. I put down all my thoughts, fears, what if's....Then do another one with the reality of it actually happening. The build up is always worse than the actual thing that will happen. I come home after re read what I wrote and laugh cuz alot of my fears are really silly!! I just can't see that as I feel that anxiety building up! I know I over react, worry about things that will never happen as well as worry about the future WAY down the road. I am learning to live in the now, not so far down the road. Makes it alot easier to work this way instead of running so far ahead and thinking of life that hasn't even happened yet!

All the best and I hope you're feeling better today.
Red09
Posted 9/20/2004 3:04 AM (GMT -8)
I can relate to you Nicole. Although not quite as much death, I went through something similar earlier this year when my best friend died. It all started when we moved house to another part of the country in September last year. We had to find a Junior school for my son. My husband also had to find a job; I had only just qualified as a nurse and was starting a new job. All these were stressful enough but then I had a phone call and I was told my friend had died suddenly which was devastating news. Everything got on top of me and before I new it I was so stressed that I started with panic attacks. I just felt totally out of control with my life and I was unable to cope with everyday life events. I felt like I was in a bad dream, which I was unable to wake out of. I had to take sick leave from work, thank god they were understanding as I had not been there that long. I was tired all the time, didn't want to get out of bed, I really had to force myself. My doctor said I was stressed, and then I had become depressed because of my friends death. I wouldn't go on medication, I just kept talking things through with people. I went to see a bereavement counsellor; I talked to my doctor and I also had a supportive husband. It was then that I found this site and I have had lots of support from here to.  It's now been a year since all this happened and I won't say that I am back to normal, but I am able to cope a lot better. I still feel a little depressed and I do get panic attacks now and again if I get really stressed. Things will get better, you may feel like they won't just as i once did, but if you go to counselling hopefully things will start to improve. You will get through, (just take one day at a time) you will eventually get there and gain some control of your life again, it just takes time. Hope this helps Nicole Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. Take care for now Debbie
Posted 11/3/2004 8:38 AM (GMT -8)
Hi eveyone-

I haven't been on here in quite a while so I thought I'd drop by to say hey. I'm doing much better. I've been on my Lexapro for about a month and a half and they uped my dosage to 20 mg. I went and saw the physciatrist. It wasn't bad. He seemed to know what he was talking about. I haven't been to see my counsler in 2 weeks though. I think I'm starting to feel lost. I've just been so busy with everything...I'm goin back this week though. My panick attacks are deff. less often now. I met this guy a couple weeks ago. He seems to fill that empty void in my heart. I really like him A LOT  :-)   And I'm not trying to replace my late boyfriend with him. I could never do that. BUT he has really made a change in me. I have something to look forward to everyday. And I know my Daniel is looking down on me and smiling because I'm finally happy. Anyways, I guess thats about it for now.

 

NiCOLE

 

**Apperently my counsler is that CBT thing. He explained it to me.

Posted 11/5/2004 5:26 AM (GMT -8)

Hi

I haven't been on in a while so I dont know if u will know of me.So here's a bit about me

I'm 21 years old, I was born with Cerebral Palsy which means i need a wheelchair.  Grew up with an alcoholic parent.  At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with depression.  Just b4 my 21st birthday my 17 yo b/f of 3 yrs died without warning and no reason was given 4 his death.  His funeral was on my 21st birthday.

From then things got worse and I got diagnosed with psychotic depression (i hear voices, hallucinate, self harm and have very bad paranoia)

My b/f died nearly a year ago now and am still struggling without him and am going to go back to docs about the paranoia and trouble sleeping.  If u need sum1 2 tlk to i would be more than glad - email me on tonihiggs@btinternet.com

Toni xx

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