I'm sorry for the pain that you feel. I've felt like you too many times and some of it very recently. Do you pay attention to what you say to yourself on an hourly basis? Do you understand what is causing your pain? Is it physical or emotional pain that you feel? If it is emotional, who is causing the pain, yourself or someone else? Can anyone else cause us emotional pain without our permission? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but trying to get you to think about who is causing the pain you feel.
I can relate 100% to honestly thinking that I need the approval and love of others to feel okay about myself. I have thought this way for so long that it is hard to break the habit of thinking this way. The truth is that I grew up dependent upon the approval of others in order for me to feel okay about myself. We all want to be liked and esteemed by others, but there is a balance in getting our own needs met from ourself and being liked or approved by others. What has caused much of my emotional pain has been the way that I have thought. I finally decided that I had to change how I thought or die. Dying didn't seem like a reasonable alternative. When I began to change how I thought I started to recover. I still have a good ways to go, but the road I have started out on is working for me. It's called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT and simply means restructuring and changing how I think and what I think about. Some of it involves journaling my thoughts, looking for lies in my thinking and then writing down a different thought which is more loving, compassionate, and more truthful about myself to replace the negative thought. Some of it involves learning to love and accept myself unconditionally, forgiving myself and others for failures, letting go of guilt, learning to live in the present instead of the past or the future, lowering expectations, learning how to deal with anger, how to stand up for myself when I need to, and how to stop trying to control everyone and everything in my life. There are a lot of life skills it teaches which I was not aware of which has helped me recover significantly from the depression and anxiety which had me bound in a prison. Have you ever worked with CBT?
I'm also curious as to how you grew up. You say your depression started at 11. Was there an event which precipitated it? I see that you hate yourself and this is one of the root causes of your pain, in my opinion. You can learn to love yourself. I know it isn't easy because of the way we have thought about ourselves for so long. My guess is that the way you think is causing your pain. The reason therapy doesn't last is because you begin to change your thinking, then fall back into the old painful patterns. I believe there is hope for you. But it doesn't fall out of the sky. We have to work at it. I think you trying to finish and publish your books is an excellent start on helping you feel better about yourself. I also think CBT would be of great help. You don't necesarrily need anyone else, but you do need some resources such as books or home courses, something to help us chart a course for recovery and give us the tools and a plan to recover. Therapists can help us as guides, but we have to do the work. I just wanted to say that I think there is a way out. These boards are of immense value also because of the support we receive from those who have walked or are walking in our shoes. What I have said is not set in stone. But, I hope you will consisder what I have said. I need to be reminded of the same often. You aren't alone in your struggle. Hope you get to feeling better. Just remember, it won't fall out of the sky into your lap. It will be the result of your own effort.