posting i made to bipolar list

last week i tripped over a trigger and was in the worst depression i've had in years. spent four days of seeing nothing but darkness thru my tears. felt like i could not and would not take of myself. for the first time, thought of cutting or beating so as to feel physical pain instead of the wretched depression. hated everything, especially friends who dared to check on me. felt i was bothering everyone. didn't want to take the handfuls of pills every day.

however, on the fourth day i was pacing, tearing things out of my closets/drawers to find anything that even vaguely reminded me of this "former" friend who triggered me so badly. used to go manic with being nasty, losing concentration and irritable.

please help me. can bipolar change with the need? never in my life did i think of cutting. maybe offing myself, but not replacing mental anguish with physical pain. just seemed that was the only thing to do, as i had failed at offing myself in the past.

yes, taking my pills, because a friend called the group that i see. somehow or other, someone made me take them. not sure. just feel nothing's working, plus i'm not worth it. feel like a seroquel junkie, but the blasted pills do slow me down. why won't everyone just leave me alone? very afraid of getting thrown back again.