You don’t need to apologize for not being around. We all have things going on outside of the forum, and our own issues and pain, and school or work or volunteer activities, or individual pursuits. You have a right to your own time, and to do what needs to be done.
I’m sorry you’re feeling hopeless. (((hugs))) I do understand your idea that we must be grateful and willing to live without in order to be worthy of having. I think there is some merit to that idea, and I have aspired to it, at times, myself. However, please do not forget that as human beings, we are worthy of love just by virtue of being alive. That is my personal belief. We have a right to our own feelings, our own needs and desires, and our own wishes, hopes and longings, and to deny ourselves those things is to deny an important part of our ‘being’.
It’s a noble thing for you to want to put aside your own suffering in order to help others. I can understand that, and I admire that in you. It’s true that by helping others, we can achieve some fulfillment and relieve ourselves of personal burdens, at least for a while, but it is also true (again IMO) that we need to give from a ‘full cup’. In order to offer our resources to others, we have to have those resources in reserve, and to do that, we need to care for ourselves and nourish ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is not selfish to do these things, Erik…..self-care is a necessary component of living for someone who wants to focus on giving.
I personally believe that everyone and everything has a purpose, and I think discovering our purpose is an individual thing, with a different course and timetable for each person. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, although it is hard to understand or recognize that reason many times, and I feel that there is a connection between all of us, and the events in our lives. No, you are not the only person asking these questions, believe me. You may feel alone in this, but you are definitely not alone, my friend.
I would like to offer you the idea of ‘surrender’ for tonight. When you are feeling overwhelmed, and don’t know what the answers are, throw your hands up and say, “For now, I do not know. Please show me.” Trust me, it will come…..perhaps not all at once, but on a schedule that is not mine or yours to determine. Have patience with yourself, and know that there is a larger pattern at work here. Even in suffering, we are on the right path, having experiences that are significant to our purpose.
Best wishes and healing to you. (((hugs)))
Moderator, Depression Forum
“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” ~Kahlil Gibran