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Painful break up

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Posted 6/24/2009 11:11 AM (GMT -7)

Hey

I'm new on here and I just wanted to get some help on some stuff and see if anyone else is going through what I'm going through.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months. He was my first long-term boyfriend, my first everything really, and we both fell in love quickly with each other. He is a paranoid schitzophrenic which in the end, I couldn't cope with and we got into horrible arguments and all sorts of difficult problems. One night we got into an argument and he ended it with me. The next day he tried to apologise and wanted to work things out, but at this time I had already made a desicion that I didn't want to get back in the mess again and constantly get hurt. He didn't take it well at all. We go to the same school so every day he wanted to talk to me to get me to reconsiliate. We did get back for 2 weeks where I realised that it was a big mistake, and called it off.

He did some awful things to get my attention. Some things so serious that teachers at my school got involved and told him to stay away from me. He hates me now because he says that I ruined everything, and to be quite honest I don't hate him, although I'm trying to hate him because at the moment, it's the only thing I can do to make myself feel a little bit better.

I feel like I've lost the only person who truly understood me, although there were bad times. I feel so alone and all I do now when I get home from school is cry. I have to see his face everyday at school, and there is even more pain as he has a new girlfriend. Every time I think of them together I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I start to shake. I cannot possibly describe the pain. All I can say really is that it feels like I'm breaking down inside. I don't want to do anything I used to like anymore, I can't sleep or eat properly. I've lost interest in everything....

Sorry to go on but nobody understands the severity of it. I know all I can do is wait for things to heal. But I'm sick and tired of waiting now.

Posted 6/24/2009 12:38 PM (GMT -7)

Hello Holleee,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  This is Kitt. I am sorry your feeling so down right now over the break up with your friend.

Many people deal with break ups in a variety of ways. Some believe it's best to get right back on the saddle, while others disagree and wait a short (or long) period before getting back into the game.

The main considerations are your comfort level, how serious the relationship was and how bad was the break up.

Just remember you will survive this not so good time in your life.  :-)

Keeping your cool in time of crisis is 90% of the battle. If you can keep calm, everything will be OK – and if not, call a good friend and tell him or her all about it. They will understand. The more days that pass the easier it will get, so no crazy stuff, comprende?

After a week or so you may start to feel better about your previous break up. This does not mean you should jump into another relationship right away, especially a serious one. Take your time. You have all the time in the world to feel better.

You have chosen to come here and share with us so you are reaching out for help.  That is a wonderful way to start your healing process.  You are now on the road to recovering the break up of you first relationship.  You will do OK,  I promise.  Be brave and do keep talking to us.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 

Kitt,
Moderator: Osteoarthritis & GERD/Heartburn
Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~* https://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

Posted 6/24/2009 5:04 PM (GMT -7)
I have suffered more problems as a result of break-ups than probably anything else. It won't do any good to try to hate him - that just creates more negativity and ultimately hurts only you. If he has a new girlfriend, that's actually good. He's somebody else's problem, not yours. You're done with him, and it's time to move on.

You may be feeling alone, as are many people on this forum, I imagine, but it is better to wait for the right situation to develop than settle for one which makes you feel less alone, but ultimately creates a dependency. Trust me when I say that putting your life in the hands of somebody else, especially a significant other, is a recipe for disaster.

You will only attract a good, strong, stable relationship if you feel more confident and secure in your own life. It's painful, it takes patience, and sometimes it can take seemingly forever to get there, but it's true. The first letdown can be very painful, especially if mental illness is involved in both or either of the parties, (believe me, I know) but sooner or later you can meet somebody new. As for seeing him at school, try to ignore him or channel your pain into something creative, maybe? Writing? Art? Whatever floats your boat. You're young, give it time.
Posted 6/24/2009 11:25 PM (GMT -7)
hi holleee.

you have both tried. agree that a new focus will help. and it sounds like your former bf needs some very stabilising help. this may well be lacking. sorry but in fairness to mentally unwell people, he is i someone living with paranoid schizophrenia, not as stated.  in kindness, healings to you. jamie. some-one who has lived with affective disorders, schizo-affective, schizophrenia, and a person who lives with major depression and severe borderline personality disorder.

Posted 6/25/2009 2:04 AM (GMT -7)
dear holleee,

not invalidating your situation, i am very compassionate, just felt i needed to express that people with a mental illness are people and not their conditions. jamie. no hurt intended.

Posted 6/26/2009 2:40 PM (GMT -7)
Yeah I totally understand what you're saying. It was just hard because it was my first long term relationship and I never even knew what paranoid schitzophrenia was until I met him, so it was all completley new. I never knew how to deal with it, and I guess I kinda failed :(
Posted 6/27/2009 6:46 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Holleee, Break-ups can be really painful…..there’s no doubt about it. And having this experience with your first love makes it even more so. What Jamie said is true…..a person with an illness is still a person. I know you feel you didn’t know enough about paranoid schizophrenia, but I don’t want you looking back now and beating yourself up over that. We learn things over time, and it sounds to me like you did the best that you could. One thing that is important to keep in mind, with anyone regardless of their health or state of mind: if the person you love is doing things that are damaging to you or your health or self-esteem, you have to do what is best for you, which sometimes means breaking up. You’ve mentioned ‘horrible arguments and difficult problems’ and the fact that your boyfriend did some serious things which prompted your teachers to tell him to stay away from you. IMO, those are red flags, and I think you did what is best by distancing yourself from him. It will be up to him to get the help he needs. I hope you have someone to confide in, Holleee…..maybe a trusted friend, a teacher, your parents or even a counselor. It’s natural to feel grief after the loss of an important relationship, and it will take time to get past it, but you might feel a bit better talking it out with someone. Please keep posting and let us know how it goes. We’re here for you.     Moderator, Depression Forum   “Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”   ~Kahlil Gibran    
Posted 6/27/2009 8:57 AM (GMT -7)
Hi Hollee,

Think about what Raniah said, this is a learning experience. I know that it has been hard, but you have learned and you did that best that you could. That is all that we can do. So don't think of it as failure.

Be gentle with yourself. Don't push yourself to the point of exhaustion worrying about what you did. I think that you did the right thing. And you will definately learn from this experience.

Keep taking things one day at a time. You will make it, we will help you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Posted 6/28/2009 5:22 AM (GMT -7)
holleee, i too had a relationship with a women with a mental illness, we both were at the time in recovery. it was a long time since i was in a relationship, thus i became manipulated, my eyes were closed, but in hinsight it was lust. and , oh, i did not meet her, or her families requirements, yeah, i was judged.  if i was to tell u the whole story...........well, would make for a killer book, and movie. gee did i go through some @#$%!! take care, and thx 4 your reply, and compassion. keep fightin, u have a kindness thru your expression, so be kind to you. healings. with compassion. jamie.
Posted 7/1/2009 1:03 PM (GMT -7)
Ah yeah thanks guys. The past few days I have been feeling better and more positive. I've been thinking about other things such as applying to university and my future. However my ex is still out to get me...

Because me and him have to work in close proximity with each other it gets to me. My friends have really stood up and been there for me, and that's really helped, but I know he's still trying to get to me and it hits me really hard. Every time he says something it's really loud so I can hear. He turns around and gives me smug looks, just looking for an ounce of emotion in my face. I know it might sound horrible but he thinks he's all 'it', and a great guy. Lol I know what you're saying jamiee about the whole story being a great book or film. It's just like something from TV. Some of the things he did I was considering about getting the police involved.

I know he's still a person and I shouldn't hate him but, thing is, i've never hated anyone in my life, apart from him. I know it's pure hate, and i'll never stop hating him. One of his oldest friends tried to help him become a better person but, to be honest, he doesn't even want to help himself, so how can anyone else start to?

So little summary :P...

In general I'm starting to feel a little better.

Sorry, Holleee.....I had to edit that very last sentence for content, because some of our members are as young as 13.  Thanks for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (Raniah) : 7/1/2009 4:15:22 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/1/2009 3:17 PM (GMT -7)
Hi Holleee, I’m glad you’re focusing on your studies and your future, and I hope you can find a way to stop feeling hate for your ex. I can understand why you feel hurt and angry and frustrated, but hopefully you can work through this and feel at least ‘indifferent’ towards him. Hatred is hardest on the person who is feeling it, not on the person to whom it is directed. Hang in there, and stay positive, and have fun checking out those universities. You have a lot to look forward to!   Moderator, Depression Forum   “Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.”   ~Pliny the Elder    
Posted 7/2/2009 1:05 AM (GMT -7)
hollee, new avenues are awaiting you. new doors to open. big beleiver in education. go get em' and yes the past is just that. jamie

yesterday is a butterfly without wings. jamie, (2004).

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