I know where you're coming from. My recent battle with "depression" had me hanging on every flaw to myself, feeling useless, not seeing my friends, holding on for no reason other than it seemed easier to just fade out of life, numb. And self injury, seeing I was such a failure I had to punish myself. It consumed me, and I'm still scared of life without that security I found in pain. Finally, I stopped, because I knew if I didn't I was going to die, and I didn't even deserve to be set free. I found substances to dissociate from myself, forget who I was, put my life in the hands of somebody else. It replaced my external scares with scars inside, which gave me a chance to pretend to be normal. Then, I fell back on my girlfriend, and found something else to hold me to Earth. She is my best friend. She just wants me to be happy, and we make each other happy. After a while, I let go of my anger with myself, because, being complete exposed to another person, I realized how messed up everyone really is, and that happiness is something inside my own mind, not the eyes of everyone else. Slowly, I found a balance between hurt and love that I can live on with and grow instead of die inside. The struggle is always there, but I broke away into my own person with my own thoughts in my head. With my eyes
open, I can see the world as it applies to my own life, my own experiences. I learned to take care of myself as best I can.
I guess what I'm saying is there a thousand ways to get lost in those feelings, and you just have to come to peace with who you are. When you find yourself on the edge, or catch yourself slipping down that spiral, you need to know you can choose to turn around, even though life can be so painful sometimes. You are not what other people see, you are your own, beautiful mind.
When I did finally come around, I kind of became "spiritual", probably because of the substances, feeling that lift. I don't advise substances unless you can handle them and use them to help you, but for many it's another slope. I only used herbs, of coarse, which let me
open my mind instead of losing it. I would never advise anything harder, just because herbs are what I trust, and that's your decision. And, this was just my experience.
I also find myself listening to bands such as Manic Street Preachers, The Killers, Smashing Pumpkins, Saosin, Nirvana, Lifehouse, etc. I found courage and strength in the sheer beauty of songs like The Everlasting, When You Were Young, Stand Inside Your Love, You're Not Alone, Heart Shaped Box, Everything, for examples. That music really gave my heart the strength to grow. Also, if you're alone and listening to music, you're not lame, you're "artistic"
. And you can't fail at it, either! And, movies like Patch Adams, The Rainmaker, The Notebook, and Good Will Hunting really helped. Seriously, their classics and totally made me feel better.
Self injury is an addiction/compulsion. Don't go there. It will kill you. It'll probably still get me, eventually.
Lastly, You are not alone. You can be absolutely certain there is at least one other person out there that understands. And there are a of people that could use a smile.
Just my opinions and story. It felt good to get out. Don't bottle things up. If you can left it out, you can understand, and that's half the battle.