I’m new here. I’ve been finding things a bit tough again recently, so I thought I’d try and get some help. I don’t know whether the answers I seek will be found here or not, but it’s certainly worth a try. Firstly, a bit of background information-
I am a 20-year-old Australian male, and I am currently a full-time University student. I do a little bit of casual work, but not a huge deal. Almost three years to the day now, back in my final year of school, I started noticing myself worrying more than usual, about small things, inconsequential things. Then what I like to call the ‘big worry’ hit, and I was incapacitated. Eventually I told my parents, and we went to the doctors. I was diagnosed with mild depression and acute anxiety. Worries came and worries went, but I was always worried about something. The worry absolutely consumed me, and I regressed from everyone, because contact simply caused more problems. I didn’t even go to my final formal.
So, the next year comes along and I’m studying at University now. Things eventually got better, but never fully. I began to struggle with concepts such as religion and morality, feeling that everything I was doing was somehow wrong or bad. When you can’t do the things that make you happy without pain, there’s something very wrong. I started to believe I had obsessive-compulsive disorder, and when things got so bad that I couldn’t take it anymore, I went to the doctors and had it confirmed. Along with this, I began seeing a specialist. Eventually, with the help of some medication, things got better than they had been in two years.
But it wasn’t over yet. Now that my problems were over, I began to realise that, hey, I’m surrounded by people and yet I’m completely alone. The loneliness was crippling, so, three years on and with no explanation of my disappearance, I tentatively started to make contact with my friends of old again. I opened up my computer’s messenger program, and signed up on FaceBook. Eventually, I began seeing some of them again. It didn’t seem the same, though, which is understandable I guess. I can’t expect to be gone three years and not have my friends move on in some sense or other.
Things still didn’t feel right, however. I wanted more. I wanted love. Not sex, that would be easy enough to come by if I wanted it, but love. And, as much as I fought it, I began to fall for one of my friends, the one I had shared with, the one who cared and understood. And fight it I did. On and off. She knows that for me, meeting with friends again has been difficult, and I’ve felt everything from love, to hatred, to depression, to jealousy, to loneliness and so forth. These people have been out living their lives, and even though some are younger than I, they seem to have experienced more. She does not know, however, that most of those emotions were inspired from her. And I don’t plan on sharing that. In the past she’s not had much luck with love herself, but she seems to have found somebody nice for her now, which is good for her. We had been flirting a bit online (at least, I considered it flirting- she was saying stuff like “you can hold my hand” and stuff like that) and she had said that she was not sure if she was ready for committment with the other guy, so I thought I’d take my chance.
We jokingly posted comments about having make-out sessions online, then she asked if she could get rid of hers. I asked why, does it bother you? She said it’s not that, it’s just that she’s been seeing this other guy. I don’t know whether she does or whether she could actually like me, but I knew then that I wasn’t in the picture. I had dared to hope, and it had cost me. Now I’m struggling to get my old iron heart back into place, but I need a bit of help doing so.
I’m still looking for love, but I don’t know where to turn. Simply put, I'm getting towards the end of my tether. Again. I'm not desperate, though, and i won't go for just anyone, because I know that'll only cause more pain. I am not a particularly outgoing person, and every time I’ve hit the clubs and bars at night I haven’t enjoyed it. I’m on break for the next month or so at University, so that’s not really in the question, and there are next to no girls in my classes, or at least none I’m interested in. As for work, I’m not really there that often, and when I am I’m normally so busy serving customers and not being allowed to move that there’s no time or chance to talk.
I’m in a bit of a rut here, to put it simply. What can I do? Any advice is much appreciated.
Post Edited (Shannow) : 7/1/2009 7:29:54 PM (GMT-6)