Always alone to never alone...I'm losing my mind!!!

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 7/2/2009 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Gang,
I haven't checked in here for quite some time, mainly due to some life changes and some technology problems.  about nine months ago, my world of solitary disability virtually changed overnight.  I met a nice guy and he quickly moved in with me last September.  He had a wacky work schedule, seven days on (twelve hour shifts), seven days off.  It was great, like spending a week's vacation together every couple of weeks.   Well, my man JB, lost his job of seven years back in April.  He's getting unemployment and pounding the pavement every week, but we are together almost ALL THE TIME!!!  Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week....week in, week out.  There is such a thing as too much closeness.  He has no hobbies and no friends that he goes off and does things with, and rarely can I go run any errands that he doesn't want to go with me. 
Worst of all, he's a certified "redneck" and is used to acting stupid to amuse his less than intelligent buddies.  He's very smart himself, but he's so used to covering it up, all I've been getting is "yuck-yuck" humor since he lost his job.  I rarely get to carry on an intelligent conversation anymore.  He's depressed, sleeps a lot, has gained a lot of weight which has killed our sex life (although he talks about it all day long...which makes me want to do it even less).   JB only drinks occasionally, but when he does, he really does it to excess.  He stumbles into everything, heaven forbid if I don't get him home fast enough, and then he gets verbally mean...just yelling at me.  It's not hurtful per se, just obnoxious, and I have to sit through it until he passes out.  I belong to a social/charitable organization that likes to casually party from time to time and JB has basically made himself unwelcome among my friends if he is drinking.
I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  He is a tremendous help to me around the house, and can do all sorts of things that my disabilities limit me from doing on a daily basis, if I can him up and moving.  I just don't know what to do.  JB is 52 and I'm 44 in case that makes any difference.  Anybody got some advise for me?  I'm really drowning like this.  HELP!!!
Leigh Ann  shakehead    
Basic info:
  • On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems 
  • Divorced, 44, spawn-free 
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Impacted Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(ten molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) Tubal Ligation/D&C/Uterine Ablation 
  • Current Meds: Prozac, Klonopin, Atenelol, Lortab, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Tramadol, Hydroxizine, Vitamin D, Axert, Zonegran, Seroquel 
  • Current Problem: Moderate Depression, Chronic back pain, Mysterious Internal GI Bleeding, possible ulcer in location of Gastric Bypass, frequent UTI's
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 7/2/2009 10:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi LeighAnn,
Sorry I don't have any advice for you as I'm never been married or lived together with anyone. It certainly does seem frustrating what you are going through. I know I've heard a lot of my female co-workers say that they came out of retirement only a couple of months after they started because their husbands didn't want to do anything much except just "hang out" with their wives & buddies and it drove the women crazy. Some of them even gave their husbands ultimatums to either find a time-consuming hobby within 3 years, or they were facing a divorce.

I'm not really sure what the right answer is for you; I just wanted to share that you are not alone in your struggle. I'm sure he's not feeling particularly upbeat about the fact that he can't find a job right now (I know I'm really frustrated & at least I have a temp job to keep me busy for a good part of the week -- even though it doesn't pay very well). Maybe something like temporary or contract work would be an option for him until he can find something longer term.

Otherwise, it's really up to you whether you can put up with him the way he is. We will be here to support you no matter what you decide.

hugs & prayers,
Moderator -- Depression Forum

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/2/2009 10:29 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you're going thru an extreme amount of transition. Keep venting, it helps. When my husband opened his own business from our home, it was alot of transition. Our son and I were used to being without my husband, then all of a sudden, there he was! All of a sudden, the life my son and I had grown accustomed to was gone. Only time can help you thru that part of your problem. As for the rest of your situation, it's up to you. It sounds like your man needs to get himself back working. I don't see his drinking getting any better until he does. As for the rude verbal crap when he's buzzed, I don't think I ever deserved it and I don't think you deserve it either.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I'm o.k. but I have my share of ups and downs.

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 7/3/2009 4:25 AM (GMT -6)   
hi leigh ann, i am jamie, male 37.
my partner who pssed in 06 had a prosthesis as she lost a leg in a savage car accident, what impressed me is when she wanted me around she would tell me, furthermore i supported her stance, she was very high up in the scouts, had 5 degrees by age 32, was to commence phd studies had heaps of friends and done the things she enjoyed. oh, yeah she lived with depression too, alike me our backgrounds are qiute similar. she got around, drove her own car, had her own unit - thus i would commute, if the text was good i went........although she had some faults, me too, don't we all! the need for space in a relationship is vital to the relationship. i understand. the red neck stuff, well it is something i do not condone, and if it is getting way to out of control then u need to be upfront and speak out. i wish you well, kindness and healings. jamie.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/3/2009 7:38 AM (GMT -6)   

Good Morning Leigh Ann

Good to hear from you.  :-)   Do you have some major projects he could work on around the house, paint the house, something that needs fixing? Does he work on cars?  Anything he could do that would make him feel productive.

Any chance he would see a therapist? 

I understand your "to much closeness issue" and this may call for sitting down with him and telling him how you feel.  I know this may scare you as you don't sound like you want to lose him but allowing him to continue as he is will not be helping him in the long run.

I wish I had more to offer then support.  Keep on talking to us for your own peace of mind.

Gentle Hugs



Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
*~* *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/3/2009 10:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

I hope that he finds something to do to occupy his time. That would make him feel so much better.

As far as the verbal abuse while drinking, you don't deserve that my friend. I would have a talk with him when he is sober and let him know that you don't appreciate it.

I hope and pray that he goes back to work soon. I know that you were use to your space. Maybe explain that too. Let him knkow that you like to do things alone.

Therapy is a good idea, if he wont go, it might do you some good to try it. Just to be able to get some things off your chest and get some feedback from a professional. Also the suppport does wonders.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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