My heart goes out to you. I've been diagnosed with chronic major depression, which began when I was around 11 years old. Some very traumatic things happened to me, and as a result I spent my teenage years suicidal and coped by drinking alcohol to kill the pain. I'm currently 49, a recovered alcoholic with 15 years of sobriety. One thing I have learned is that when I feel suicidal, it's time to seek professional help. You can't think your way out of suicidal depression any more than you can grow wings and fly-at least I can't, and I've been battling this for years.
I strongly suggest that you see a family doctor and have some bloodwork done to determine if your any of your problems are medical in nature. I also wonder if you are using food as a coping mechanism. I've spent the past 15 years around people with multiple addictions, and there is an organization called Overeaters Anonymous that might be helpful. I don't know, I'm just throwing ideas out here that I think might help.
Feeling suicidal is a major red flag that there is a serious problem that needs to be addressed, but you must remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things change when we change and grow. You won't feel this way forever. It will change, but only if you do something to make it change. This site can be part of your support system, but if you have a biologically-based psychological problem as I do, you need a doctor's or psychologist's help.
I understand that you want to be a police officer, but we're talking about
your life here!!! Suicidal thoughts are not normal and must be addressed!!! Worry about
your career later, but take care of yourself first. Please, please, take care of yourself first and seek professional help. I had to, and it took a while for me to beat the suicidal depression and get my life together, but today my life is better than I ever imagined it would be. If I would have ended up with the life I thought I wanted when I was in my 20s, I would have so short-changed myself. You have so much potential, but when we're mired in suicidal depression it's almost impossible to accomplish anything. When depression is under control, the world looks so much different (better). Things can and will get better for you if you take positive steps in the right direction, which, from my experience, involve seeking professional help. Please take care of yourself and your health.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 7/5/2009 10:40:20 AM (GMT-6)