Posted 7/5/2009 10:02 AM (GMT -7)
I don' t even know where to start. I' ll start with the end. Right now, I' m sitting on the floor, with my laptop on my knees and my ex is in the bad. Last night we had another fight. He hates me and I think he' s entitled to do it. We moved together 2 years ago. He was gone for six month before in another country. We were so in love, and so innocent and we respected one another. When he came back, summer 2006, he was changed. I didn' t understand what was happening to him, but know I do because I' m here for 2 years and a half and I am changed too. Stressed, with real problems. Back then he was sitting home, and I was going out with his sister and her group of friends and I started liking this guy and because of him I separate from my boyfriend. He was hurt, and try to get me back so many times but I was so... I remember back then he pushed me and used really bad words for the first time. I was so hurt, could not believe it. Eventually we got back together and he left again and I was planning too. I was still thinking about this other guy, big mistake. I arrive in january 2007 in this big city with my boyfriend for 4 years or so. I was so not present, everything was so strange, I felt like I don' t belong. In time things started getting a little better but he, he no longer was the sweet boy that I knew. Probably because he was hurt because of what happened back home. I didn' t think about it like that and just said that he' s changed, he doesn' t love me anyway like he did. Things were getting bad. Then we moved to a bigger city, and he was working all day, I was home, needed attention, he was giving me like 25%... We were joking or not that we are no longer together and that we should start looking for somebody else. I did, because I was planning to get back home and I found this guy that he liked me in the past, and started chatting with him. Hiding from my boyfriend. Until he read my archive and things exploded. We fight, he hit me, but that wasn' t the first time. I was so scared and lost, I told him that I' m gonna stop talking with this guy cause I only want him... but I didn' t really believe it. It was most because he would hate me, and I didn' t want that, because I am a people pleaser, especially with the ones I care and love. But I didn' t stop talking with the Internet guy. I continued, I was obsessed I think. And after almost a year of chatting, to find out that he is dating my boyfriend's(now ex_ sister. It was a shock. I could not believe it. Now that guy he' s saying all this things about me, and she is telling those things to my ex and I feel so hurt. Every time I read what they are talking I start shaking, and my heart beats so fast. I start crying. I feel that I did some bad things to my boyfriend and now I am paying for everything. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bad. I said that we are friends because we've been together for so long but when his sister is saying all this bad things about me he is telling her that I am worthless, and after we get home his done with me... and I am hurt because I wanted to be friends. Really do. Now I don' t know what to do, because my head hurts, I can' t eat, am so weak... I feel that if I go home, and he will ignore me, his sister is with that Internet guy that I trusted and cared about... I will go insane. I feel so alone, I have nobody to talk to. I close myself in the bathroom and start crying. He keeps telling me that I am crazy and a freak, weird, what' s the matter with me, and we fight and after that we feel sorry and hug but I feel his hate, he hates me so bad. I don' t even know what I want anymore. I am only 24 and if you see me, I am beautiful, smart when I am not down, used to be a happy girl, not anymore. I forgot what that means. Now he' s asking me what am I doing, and told him that I am writing a journal and he looked at me with hate and told me to stop it and do something productive. How could I if I am no longer me. I am no longer a healthy girl. I feel it. I know it.