I need advice living with a depressed husband.

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/5/2009 10:50 PM (GMT -6)   
My husband has been severely depressed for  10 months with no sign of ending any time soon.
He is on meds and on his 3rd therapist because, as he says it, "no one can help me".  He tried suicide right after the holidays and was hospitalizied.  He is mad at the world , and since he no longer works and barely leaves the house, I take the brunt of his complaining.  He is convinced I am having an affair and ready to leave for someone who can give me affection. 
I am not having an affair, but I am ready to leave.  I hate to and feel guilty, but this is bringing me down.  I am in therapy.  Our kids are grown, but it hurts for them to see him like this and don't want to see me end up like this also.  We are in our 50's and physically healthy and were financially OK until this.  This is all unraveling so quickly.   I will always be there to help him, but cannot live with the emotional abuse any longer.    Help me 2 please.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 7/5/2009 11:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi HM2P,
First off, Welcome to Healing Well!
I am so sorry for all you are going through. Depression is such a devastating illness. More than most other illnesses, those suffering take out their feelings on those around them. Paranoia definitely can be a symptom of depression, but I realize that knowing that doesn't really help make things any better for you.

It is really good that you are seeing your own counselor. Please be sure you get plenty of support for yourself throughout all of this. It sounds like you both are trying the typical treatments for depression.

My own "crusade" is to share with as many people as possible that there can be hormonal causes for depression. If your husband has not already had his thyroid levels & his testosterone levels checked, perhaps he can make an appointment with his PCP/Urologist to get them checked. I did not respond to any of the anti-depressant meds. After 3 years of depression & 10 months of being actively suicidal, I finally saw my GYN. She tested me & found my hormones were off. She started me on BCP. The depression was improved. Then I started losing my hair (I'm 32), so I got my thyroid tested & now am on Synthroid. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I actually have some energy to fight this depression. Before I was just miserable & exhausted all the time. It has made a night & day difference for me.

I know one of the men who occasionally posts here said that it was the same for him until his urologist started him on testosterone & now, while he's not 100%, he is much, much better.

If all his hormone levels are normal, maybe he needs to try a more intensive program. I don't know what your insurance situation is, but it sounds like you might be okay in that area. If so, perhaps you can look into an Intensive Outpatient Program. That is a day program at a mental health facility where patients go for 4-6 hours a day for intensive therapy & weekly or biweekly visits with a psychiatrist. It would get him out of the house 4-5 days a week (which would maybe help you by giving you a break), plus it gives the mental health professionals a LOT more data to work with. If you call a mental health facility in your area (maybe the place where he went in-patient), they could talk to you about whether it's possible to get him into an IOP program.

take care & best wishes,
Moderator -- Depression Forum

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/6/2009 10:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your help and support.   how long is a long time for this.  What is a time frame to start seeing a change for the good, if he is trying.  I thinik he is waiting for the meds to do all the work.  Thanks for sharing.

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/7/2009 3:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I am the one who has the depression in our marriage. I do get irritable and angry with my husband. My husband has been trying to talk to me about the lack of sex in our marriage but I have angrily refused to talk about it. So he left me a letter yesterday and said he loves me but he can't live like this. He said if we can't get help and things don't get better he may consider a separation. It made me angry but it also started a talk. I do take medicine for depression but have not received professional counseling. We have a lot of issues in our marriage, death of my parents, son in the Air Force overseas, husband's past alcohol problem.financial problems, teenage daughter with illness and I just had half my thryoid removed. I did not know that Thyroid Disease could cause depression until now. I have been feeling better since my surgery. So, I told my husband if he could check into Therapy for me, I will go. Once I am feeling like I can handle it, I will go with him to therapy.

I don't know if this helps you, because it is coming from a woman's perspective with depression. Please let me know if I can help you.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 7/7/2009 8:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear HM2P,
The meds will almost never eliminate depression. There are a rare few people whose depression is entirely biological, but it is really rare (I think I read somewhere it is something like less than 2% of people, at the most, who have entirely biological depression). More commonly, it is a combination of biological & emotional factors, or entirely emotional factors that cause the depression.

I'm not really sure anyone could say how long until the meds work. If a particular med is going to work, it will usually start working within 6-8 weeks of reaching the appropriate dosage for the individual. Sometimes just that process along can take 3-4 months. Then, if the first med doesn't work, the psych will try a second med, and so on. Some people have treatment-resistant depression & don't find very much relief until they are on 2 or 3 medications for depression/anxiety. Others (like me) do not benefit from medication at all. Either the side effects outweigh the benefits, or there just aren't any benefits at all to the many anti-depressant medications on the market.

I do want to encourage you that a combination of therapy & medication will usually help most people to a certain degree. However, every person is individual & whether meds will work for them and how long they will take to kick in if they do work is entirely unique. I would encourage you to support your husband in pursuing as many avenues of treatment as possible. There are a lot of options out there. Besides therapy & medication, he can try nutrition, exercise, meditation, massage, alternative treatments/"Eastern medicine" and various forms of relaxation. It is really, really hard work trying to fight depression, but the battle can be won if the depressed person is committed to their treatment plan, has supportive family/friends in their life & has a good team of mental health professionals to offer encouragement & sound advice on what to try to reduce the depressive thoughts.

Hang in there & know that we are here to support you as much as possible! :)


PS-- I double checked. Stats for "endogeous depression" (i.e., depression that was caused purely by biological causes & therefore will improve when treated only with medication) is 4% for men, 6% for women. That statistic does not include people whose depression is caused by BOTH biological causes & life-factors -- who could benefit from both meds & therapy -- and, of course does not include people who have no biological basis at all for their depression (so called "reactive depression"). Hope that helps. :)
Moderator -- Depression Forum

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 7/7/2009 9:10:38 PM (GMT-6)

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/8/2009 9:08 AM (GMT -6)   

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  I see we have 3 threads on this topic on the board right now so it is obviously a concern for many.

The newest thread :


Click on link to read.  I have left my post on this thread but I think it may help you to read it.  I do not want to double post it.

You have received great advice from the wonderful members here in the Depression Forum.

Take care,


Moderator: Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn
Anxiety/Panic, & Depression
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind

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