I recently (Feb 09) relocated to the US from Asia because of work. Since I arrived, I've been feeling some sort of a void in my life. Here's my situation:
1. Work has become very competitive and high pressured. Everyday, I kinda feel bad because it seems like I am the least competent out of all my co workers. The harder part is that from where I'm from, I was considered the best. It's has been a very strange transition and it's sucking all my confidence and energy in the process.
2. I don't know what I want to do in life. I have bought several GMAT reviewers so I can further my studies (related to 1) but I feel that it is not the right thing to do since I dont really enjoy my work and my current job is ultimately not the kind of job I envisioned myself to be doing for the rest of my life. I am always stuck with the question of what my purpose in life is. I constantly think that I am wasting my precious time on earth because I'm not doing that is something that is of the essence. Howver, everytime I ask myself what I really wanted to do, I find it hard to answer because any career move at this point in time (given my visa constraints) will be too risky.
and the most serious...
3. I am gay but I hate to be one. I been trying my very best to combat the feeling but it's not working. I know that being gay is totally ok but the problem is- I dont want to be gay. I always see myself as somebody who will eventually sttle down and have kids. Becasue I've been away with family and friends, I became more vulnerable. I'm beginning to develop some feelings toward my male asian co worker who is straight and married (but his wife lives overseas). I know its totally inappropriate and been trying my best to resist the feeling and distance myself from him because he has been ultimately nice to me and I actually consider him as a best friend but I'm still falling for him. I feel so guilty.
I am totally confused and depressed. I really need help. I been having the same problems before but it wasn't this serious. Scary as it may sound, the thought of ending my life has entered my mind several times. I've been thinking of going back to Asia as well but I don't think that would solve my problem. I don't know what to do. Please advise.