That was fall of 2003 when I went to MGCCC Perk in Wiggins, MS. I only went once and I couldn't tell you what I remembered that I told the "professional." I don't EVER want to call another hotline or whatever after the first (and last) time that I did, they thought I was suicidal and traced my call. Yet, all they asked if I had ever tried to kill myself.
My friend, *Maecy*-- * means change of name for protection-- knows that I do this and it bothers her, upsets her, makes her worry, but one day before school started for this year, she was having a really bad day/night and she.... put it this way, she now understands and knows why I do "IT."
"It is like I was the only thing moving, and every thing else was still, and I was revolving
around everything." <--- direct quote from her.
She lets many people in, in a way. For example, she is VERY close to her family and they understand that she needs help and gets her whatever help she needs. Now, for me, she, in a way, wants to find me that help but after the traced phone call inncident, she doesn't want to get as involved-- help wise-- as she had been for fear that my family will cook up some more trashy rumors about her again; and I COMPLETELY understand. We actually balance one another out than locking ourselves from the world. Because, see, she sometimes likes the fact that I am here and that we are as close as we are, (getting closer as well), because sometimes she just has those times where talking to family and getting their opinons and view points isn't as good as getting them from someone out of the family and more from a friend's view than family view. And, vice versa. In a way, her inpiration and impact on my life has made me want to be an english major (just like her) but instead of just stopping at grad school, I am going to go ahead and go to law school-- *Maecy wanted to be a lawyer as well but when she was in school a guest speaker told the class that she was in that if they ever wanted to really have a family, that going into law school wasn't the path they should take.
Since we met my senior yr in high school, we just had this bond, this understanding that only the two of us know. One of us may be putting up a front to the class (her-- me it would be a front towards friends and family) but yet the other can read through the front, read through the lines and just know that the other one isn't having a good day or whatever. I feel honoured that she trusts me so much and tells me things that you don't really tell a person or even friend unless they are someone you REALLY know and HAVE known for quite some time-- which isn't in our case. She has put so much on the line for me since we met-- even her job! She understands the fact that I can't do much since I'm on my parents' insurance, that I haven't been able to get a job, that I acknowledge and am willing to get help, etc. I mean, since I was still here (not at a university) she and I had hoped that I would have been able to apply as a substitute teacher since I already know how to put grades in, how she teaches, how she grades tests, quizes, homework, essays, etc., but since they upped the minimum age requirements to 21 I couldn't. Because she knew that if she needed an emergency substitute or that she needed a sub, period, that all she'd have to do is call me and I would do the task.
Yesterday, was the first time I really was able to spend some time with her because she has been sick and we are both in school again. The only other real time that I get to see her is at the home football games and that is only at before the game starts and around 3rd quarter or 4th quarter, right before she goes home-- she only stays for the half-time shows. Yesterday, hte only real reason why I was able to see her was because she needed to borrow some vhs tapes for her classes to watch after their 9 weeks tests, to put her 9 weeks tests together, and to catch her up with grades. After we got all that done, we sat down together to help ME understand what I am doing in my Traditional Grammar class because I was lost-- as welll as help me prepare for my Informative speech in my Oral Communications class because I am doing it on FMS and since she has it and practically has every book, every website to get info from.... she is even letting me interview and record the interview and she is very shy... uh... uneasy about being on camera.
She adn I both wish that I could even see HER psychiatrist. Or, for me to go to an Internist.... She really thinks I am having pre-FMS symptoms and even RLS. She just knows and understands that I can't, but she is there to give me the support that I had so desperately needed since the beginning. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today!