I have been battling depression since I was a young child, it hasn't been easy but everytime I seem to slip by, make it, and it is miraculous that I have been able to scathe the consequences for so long. This time though, I truely feel stuck, I need help and I just can't bare to leave my children and my husband, because I know their world will fall apart if I do. I love them all, and feel that if I stay I have to accept this depression as yet another phase that will just work itself out, but if I leave I fear I won't see them again.
My husband doesn't believe in depression, he believes that it is an excuse and so for 7 months now I have sucked in so much air to keep from dropping, curling up in a ball, and retreating.
January started off great, we recovered from the holiday blitz quicker than normal, but events in our lives were boiling under the surface. My husband came home from work one afternoon early and a knot in my stomach told me that he had lost his job. He had infact been demoted and was going to now receive 1/2 the pay. With what little we had saved we decided to let things be, by simply tightning our belts and continuing on. March arrived and our insurance plan changed, because we couldn't afford it anylonger, we were struggling to put food on the table and survive. We both sucked a lot of pride up and applied for help through social services (in March). I had to stop working one of my work from home jobs because the expenses were simply outwaying the income. I began to apply for jobs where my qualifications seemed to fit most appropriately. We met up with some of my husbands family who has been absent from his life for several long years, and a glimmer of hope began to appear. We were offered jobs with their small company, but the work was not a continuous offering at the time. So began our journey to try to save ourselves from losing what we had come to make for us. Over the following 3 months we were constantly traveling my husbands days off to help them with there business and scrape in some money. I increasingly grew weary of the plans to further displace me from myself. I had things spat at me like I was some puppet, and for the first time since I was a child felt defenseless. My husband didn't defend me, I couldn't defend me, and here I was stuck in a warp. June rolled in and unexpectedly my husband suffered another blow at work, he was fired. We should have seen it coming, but at the time were blinded by false hope from this other line of stuff we were doing. As things sat in limbo, as promises for success lingered over us, we felt no other option but to nibble at the bait. Very recently however, as bills piled in front of me I couldn't help but step back and look at the situation from a new perspective. I realized that these people wanted to take me 2000 miles away from a place I just established as home one year ago, and live on hopes that the business would pick up. We asked them for help with our bills, and were made promises for other ammenities, but failure accompanied those things. There was no steady paycheck, but we were spending 4 days there and 3 days a home (yes sleeping there too). We were made to feel guilty for wanting to go home. And somewhere in all the mess our children were weaved. I decided after being in bed for a week with bronchitis that I needed to take a stand and stop the crap. I told my husband, that if he chose to go there that was fine, but that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be made to feel guilty for being home, and exploring endeavors here. Needless to say a fight stirred and our first decision was to go our seperate ways, he go his way and I go mine with the kids. We stewed over it and layed other options out there, and finally we resolved to try to work things out. His family hates me, that I don't care about. Him hating me is a worry, but even more so is $3000 debt we can now not even crawl out of in time to save our house, car, etc.... As now it is July, and social services still has our case from March pending, I don't know what to do. I feel like things have snowballed, and I know that I let it get there. It's funny how depression effects people though. You cloud yourself out for so long, and then BAM the severity of everything hits you all at once. I am a failure to my family, especially my kids. I don't know where to start looking for help, for anything. It is so hard to ask for it, it is so hard to handle everything. I don't know what to do.