I understand part of where you are coming from. Although my parents are not like yours and I cant possibly know what you have experienced with your mother, I do understand your pain and the way you feel trapped and like you have no one you can go to. Im also 17 so, I can see it from your point. Its a hard age because we are almost adults, but not quite there and always seem to be caught in the middle of whether to be an adult or be a child.
I get your pain because I have also suffered from depression for a long time. It was mild when I was around 13..but got severe when I was about
15.. my 18th birthday is actually the 28th of this month... ironically, 18 days from now! But, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel like I have no one to talk too. Although my parents are together, they fight all the time and dont like one another. We have never been close and I dont feel comfortable discussing my pain with them. I tried at first and they dismissed it as being a phase and that sort of thing...
Right now I am kind of on my own. I went to my doctor and asked him to refer me to someone who could help me. Thats when I got my therapist. And she had me see the psychiatrist. So, I have both of them. Therapy has been a mess because I feel she doesnt understand me at all. And the other doc is really nice, but Im still VERY scared about
opening up to him. Its a really hard thing to go through when you feel you cant talk about
stuff. Cause even when you get the chance, your still scared and skeptical about
opening up. My parents know about
them and they know I take medication. They have talked with my therapist so they know kind of what is going on, but I havent talked to them about
any of it myself. Its just like its not for real and we dont talk about
Its really hard going through all of this practically alone. Mostly the only people I can talk to are on here so... I know how hard it is feeling trapped and all alone. Its very scary not knowing whats going to happen and really not understanding why you feel the way you do. Most people dont understand it at all and wonder why you cant just suck it up and be happy ya know. But for us its not that way at all and we shouldnt have to feel that pressure because it IS an illness. And it deserves to be treated like one. If someone was having a heart attack... is it there fault? Should they just suck it up and ignore it? Or not seek help? Ya know... but people just dont know or understand alot about
depression and why we are the way the are.
Ive been through alot of my own stuff and when I have panic attacks or anything like that, its always alone. I cry alone. Ive never cried in front of anyone before and now I feel like I really need to cry all the time and I cant because I just feel like I cant let my guard down in front of people. I feel really weak when I talk about
all of it. I feel stupid because of some of the thoughts I have and stuff, and its not my fault at all... but its just how I feel. And thats REALLY hard to deal with.
Im not sure what advice I can offer you, but I can offer you comfort to know that you are not alone in this and its totally normal to be experiencing what you are going through. It sucks that no one seems to be on your side and no one will take the time to listen to what you are feeling and everything and I know how frustrating it is. I hate it and its one of the worst feelings in the world. Being alone and feeling like no one cares. No ones care about
how you feel... I hate that.
I have had to be strong for myself and just keep going. I know one day I will have all of this behind me and I will tell people my story and make them understand. For now, I feel I am fighting a war all alone. I go to the doctors myself and get the meds and I take care of everything myself. I hold a lot of things in and I dont feel like I deserve to be so alone and stuff but I dont know any other way either... its hard, and I know you know that.
You just have to stay strong for yourself. Its okay to breakdown, I do it all the time. I have too because I cant hold everything in all the time.. But you have to be your own advocate in this. Things WILL get better despite how bad things get or how bad things feel, it gets better. But, you have to look out for yourself. Just because you are alone, doesnt mean that you arent strong. You have to fight for yourself. You cant give up. If you dont help yourself, how can you expect comfort to come to you. Remind yourself that you are a very strong individual and you can do this. With or without someone there with you, you are going to make it through and you are going to feel better. Look toward the horizon and take steps to get there. Talk to your doctor, dont be afraid to ask and be very direct in that you WANT help. You deserve to be get help and that is your right as a patient.
Find a therapist. Find someone you can talk to that can help you out. Do whatever you have to to take those steps forward. Sometimes you may take steps backward and feel things arent going to work, but you can NEVER give up. You can throw things away. Its hard work. If you really want to change things, you are perfectly capable of doing so. Dont let anyone stand in your way.
I hope I have at least helped a little. I hate it when I know there are other people who are suffering just like I am and who are in the same shoes I have been in. It sucks and no one deserves it at all. I hate that you feel so alone and I wish your family could understand you more and be there for you like they are supposed to be. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know. If you EVER need/want to talk you can just email me or whatever, Im always around to help. I think you will find that it helps to talk about
it, even if its a complete stranger. But anyways, like I said, I am around if you need me for anything. You arent alone on here.
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Started Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects on me), Rozerem, Melatonin Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy-new pdoc-possible Borderline Personality Disorder... "Cracks
in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
"Sometimes it is best to
what you feel
what you deserve