I think you're right, running away isn't really an option you should consider, you're young at 14 and you need the support from your parents at your age. I have a sister who is 14, and while I truelly believe she is in quite a toxic enviroment with my parents, I would never be able to move her from that, and she would never be able to run away. Luckily in 2 years, she can make those desicions for herself.
I think Frances has given you some sound advice. The phone numbers she has provided, may be able to provide just simple support for both you and your Dad, in what must be a very difficult time for you both. Frances is also right, in that sadness doesn't mean that violence should follow, and it is unfair that your Dad is taking this out on you.
I'm sorry you are being put through this, so soon after your mums death. It must be a lot for you to take in. Take Frances's advice and phone the support people. They might be able to help.
Hope things go ok from here
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Sometimes, I feel that I should go and play with the thunder - then I get scared and run away.
Posted 7/21/2009 4:41 PM (GMT -7)
I wasn't suggesting you run away. You're right that running away is a really horrible option. There are now several states in which running away is a misdemeanor offense. In all but two (I think) of the other states, it is a status offense which means it won't go on your record, but you would be returned to your legal guardian if the police find you out on the streets, with a friend/family member who was not given permission by your legal guardian to let you stay with them, or anywhere else.
I don't say that to judge anyone who felt they needed to run away. In very rare instances, that may be the only safe option, but, in the U.S. at least, there are a lot of alternatives that should be explored before thinking about running away. If after learning about all the other options & trying other ways of handling the situation with your father you still are unable to work things out & your life is in danger, the NRS will do what they can to help keep runaways safe, but it is really hard & a lot of young people are hurt very badly in a lot of different ways once they run away -- they are abused, forced to break the law, tricked in to or forced to use drugs, and many more things. I think you are very smart to want to try other things that would allow you to stay in a safe home.
The reason I gave you those numbers was so you could explore in depth what other options you might have. They are confidential hotlines that will let you talk about your problems & what solutions might work for you. As an alternative, you could try talking to a trusted adult about what's going on at home. I didn't suggest that at first because many professionals are "mandated reporters" which means that when they hear or see that a youth is being abused by an adult they have to call the authorities and file a report. If you would like to file a report & want a teacher, coach, religious leader, counselor, doctor to help you do that or to file the report for you, perhaps talking to them would be the best option for you.
In any case, any option that helps you to find a smart, healthy way to get to a safe home, whether with your father or with someone else, is an option that I would support you with & I'm sure other members will support you as well regardless of what you decide is best & safest for you. Please let us know how we can support you.
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Posted 7/21/2009 4:51 PM (GMT -7)
I am so sorry for your loss. I loss my Mother at a very young age and inherited a Step Mom. I know how verbal abuse feels.
It sounds like you are from the USA, sorry if I am wrong. Here are a couple other numbers for you:
National Child Abuse Hotline 800-422-4453
National Youth Crisis Hotline 800-448-4663
Please pick up the phone and call someone who may be able to help you and your Dad.
With kindest personal regards,
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Posted 7/21/2009 5:06 PM (GMT -7)
hi SoccerObsessed, sorry about
your lost and how your dad is treating you. I know it is hard but you must find a way to stop this, I would suggest you to confront your dad, tell him if the abuse won't stop you may call the authoroties, see how he would respond to that. don't be afraid , you need to be strong and make sure you stand up for yourself. also the numbers frances and kit provided are a good thing to try as well, to see what kind of options you have. I think if your dad continues to abuse you even after your warnings to call the authorities, then you should go ahead and contact the authorities, don't be afraid you have to do something to resolve this issue.. good luck to you!
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Posted 7/22/2009 1:46 AM (GMT -7)
Well I can't just run away I'd be too scared..I mean I don't even have anywhere to go..and I can't drive yet either. Am I supposed to confront him about or do something else??
From HARA: I know you don't want to loose your dad to, but you have to at least tell a police officer. I know you are scarred and don't want to confront your dad but right now it is NOT OK to take his grief and pain out on you.
Posted 7/22/2009 11:42 AM (GMT -7)
Okay, I'll try to call one of those hotlines..but will my dad go to Jail?? I know he is hurting me but I don't want him to go to Jail..
Posted 7/22/2009 12:00 PM (GMT -7)
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Mother!
but for your father to take it out on you is just not right..
You need to get help and the others posted great ideas,
so call a hot line or got seek help from a church..
I was abused by my brothers growing up and ran away twice only to be taken home again,
so running away just won't help..
so call a hotline and soon..
will keep you in my thoughts....
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Posted 7/22/2009 12:26 PM (GMT -7)
I am so sorry for your loss, it's not your fault your dad can't cope but it should be burdened on you. He is the adult and has a duty to do right by you.
please call one of the lines and let us know how you are
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Posted 7/22/2009 5:33 PM (GMT -7)
They could probably give you much better & more specific advice through one of those hotlines b/c they can ask what state you are from & look up the laws or legal resources in your area. Generally, though your dad would not go to jail unless you pressed charges against him. By filing a report with Child & Family Services, they talk with you & decide whether or not to open an investigation. During an investigation, they would try to see what is going on in your home. That would include several different things, depending on the investigator, but could possibly include things like: checking you out for any marks on your body, asking other adults whether you have shown signs of being abused, possibly talking with your father about it, and possibly conducting home visits. If needed, they may do other things to try to find out what is going on. After all of that, they would make a recommendation. That could be as little as a follow-up call to check on your welfare at a later date or as much as removing you from the home immediately to the custody of a safe adult (could be a family member or other known adult, or it could be a foster family or group home.
I have had a couple of occasions to file reports on behalf of my students. In the one case, the abusive parent was assigned to mandatory anger management classes, stress-management classes, parenting classes, group therapy, regular check-ins with the investigator, regular unannounced home visits from the investigator, and regular follow-ups with teachers, counselors & others who interacted with the child. The parent improved significantly as a result of the intervention & the child was so much happier that everyone around him noticed that he didn't seem so sad, scared & withdrawn.
In another case, the child was removed from the custody of one parent & placed in the full-time permanent custody of the other parent (who had previously lost custody of the child). The parent who was investigated was determined to be severely bipolar & refused to seek treatment for the illness. Through the investigation it was discovered that during the parent's depressive episodes the child was not fed or cared for in any way, during the manic episodes, the child was seriously verbally & physically abused.
The courts do not easily remove a youth from their parent's custody, especially without the parent's consent. More often, they will try to find a way to work with the parent to help him/her to find better outlets for their aggression. It is not effective 100% of the time, but I have seen it work. If your dad was not abusive before the loss of your mom then I think there is a much better chance that he could find a way to get back to treating you properly. If he has always been abusive, any "solution" would need to take that into consideration & it would typically be much harder for the parent to change.
I do hope that you are able to make a call to a hotline. I really do think they could help you come up with a good solution for you.
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