I've recently come back to this board after being away for a year or so. I've had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, 18 to now at 54. It's good to hear that you are out of the deep depression. But I understand trying to find meds that work for you and not against you. I have not yet found any of the popular anti-depressants that work well for me so I am on a couple of old ones, amitriptyline and ludiomil. It's the best combo I have been able to find. Remeron worked pretty well for me, but not quite as well as the current combo I am on.
I've been struggling lately, but quit practicing the CBT skills I had been working at for over 3 years last December when I started working again. So now I am working on the skills again. Until last December I hadn't worked in about 7 years. The job I had was doing taxes which didn't last very long and I haven't worked since though I have applied several times. My sleep pattern has been messed up for a long time and I am still trying to get it under control. It's been a real struggle to keep myself sane. I've got a son who is a junior in college and a wonderful wife who has kept us afloat financially for all this time. I feel like a total and complete failure sometimes. Sometimes the failure is so overwhelming I think what's the use. Then I work with the CBT and work out of that. One good thing that has happened over the last 13 months is that I am off of all anti-anxiety meds which I had been on since 1977 and my amitriplyline is down 60% over the same time frame. I owe it all to CBT plus being on meds that enabled me to work on myself. I doubt I could have worked on myself without being on the meds. I hope you will hang in there and keep on looking for solutions. It does get very discouraging sometimes, but those times don't last. For me my own negative way that I look at my situation sometimes cause most of my problems, all of them actually. Reframing makes all the difference for me.
I hope you figure out a solution for yourself. Take care and don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you know how to. Give yourself credit for trying and love yourself unconditionally, no matter what the circimstances are.