Posted 7/31/2009 11:35 PM (GMT -7)
hello every one, I'm new here so forgive me if this is unusual, but i felt the need to write this down and share it. I'm 17 years old and I've been deperssed since 7th grade. I went to a inner city school, and being the only white kid there, and being smart, i was naturally the out cast. I didn't have any friends, and i felt like i couldn't turn to any one. So i turn to my studies, I was on the Junior Honors socoity that year but it didn't mean much to me. At the end for that year was when my life started to spin out of control. My mom was dignosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I had no idea what to do, or think, or feel. I just burried it inside myself. being the strong person in my family, I carried all for them. Then the net school year came around and every one liked me even less, i think this was because of the strain that was on me all summer had taken its toll. Now I'm a big horse back rider and have been all my life, and at that time i was riding at a barn that my mom had riden at when she was young. That fall a accident happened. A young girl, that was just like my sister, was standing beside a horse and the horse spooked at something and pulled the board off the fence and struck the girl. she fell and her head landed on rocks, killing her instantly. Though that a family was born out of the people that saw it, and we were close. They were my rock when my mom was battling the cancer that was rapidly taking over her body. A year went by and my mom, not being able to fight any longer, died. My world was crushed, I pulled away from every one. Not knowing what i should do. My mother and I were very close, and lossing her was the worst thing ever. But like always I had to be the strong one to help every one else out, sort out there problems, and in doing so i burried my pain. I didn't let myself cry for 7 months. Then every thing started to crumble. My dad couldn't get me out of bed any more, I didn't want to eat, or see any one. I wanted my isolation. That summer i started councling and I hated it. So i was never open to any of it. My friends were there for me, as much as they could be, our little family. during the summer i had found a way to tune out my deperssion, to just ignor it, because i was happy to run around with my friends and just be me for once. But before I knew it summer was up and it was time for school again. I was scared that all of my deperssion would come back, and i was right it did. tenth grage was worse than ninth. there was so much more work and every one expected so much of me, i couldn't tke it and i snaped. I stopped caring if a passed of failed. Accuatly I began to expect myself to fail at every thing. Which made things worse. i missed a totall of 20+ days that semseter. And then the blow, my little barn family started to turn on each other, people back stabing each other. I picked a side and i stuck with it, even when it carried me to another barn. Where i thought i had found a home a place i could be me at with out judgement. And it was for a while but then it started to crumble agian, i was kicked out, and the friend stayed behind. i felt betrayed and lonly, after all i gave up for her, he couldn't do the same for me? That only made things worse, because i started to hate myself. thinking that something must be wrong with me for my best friend to have stayed there where so much was wrong. So i did the only thing i knew how... I sayed at home, in bed watching movies all day long, and reading book after book. not letting myself think or feel anything that was real. but being away from horses for that long was killing me. so i went back to my old family, only to relize how far it had fallen. I was getting more, and more depressed by the minute. It finaly came to the point where when I woke up in the morning I whished i hadn't at all. And that scared me, so i turn for help. I went to one of my school counilors. and they really helped me, they got me in seeing a dr. and i started to feel better. then out of the blue i get an email from the lady that had kicked me out, saying that i was welcome back and that she was wrongly influenced by my friend, and that she was sorry. So i called my friend wanting to know what had happened. And i found out that she had been kicked out because for something her mom said. At the time i didn't know what to believe but, in the end I chose to believe my friend. But after that i noticed that i got sucked in to all for this drama happing around me, and i let it. so ever time something like this happenes im set further back in my treatment, and it makes it that much harder to get up in the moring. It has been close to 2 years since my mom died and i still feel so lost, but though all of it, i have gained some amazing people in my life, and lost some that im better with out. I still struggle with depression day and night, but i am now on meds that help that and i am greatful for that. I have come a long way but i know i have so much further left to go. And if you read all the way down through this i hope that my story helps you, with your path.