Reconciliate or not after divorce?

Should there be reconciliation after divorce?
Is divorce good for kids? - 0.0%
Is your life going to be better after divorce? - 0.0%
Did you know the consequences? - 0.0%
How has the change affected you? - 0.0%
Should your ex come home and stay overnight? - 100.0%
How do you deal with your ex when dating? - 0.0%

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/8/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -6)   
My name is David, I grew up in a home where my parents today are still together they are both approacing 60 years old. I met my wife when I was going through community college in California whe she was 18. We both became very attached, soon thereafter very phisically intimate.  Things were beautiful in the near years to come.  After she went to San Diego State University soon after she became pregnant with my oldest boy Isaac. Just like any other couple we faced financial hardship and the ocassional argument.  We lived in her mother's home for a couple years where our space was reduced to a room and the family interactions. In 2004 I decided to relocate to Portland Oregon with the company I was working in California, I moved in mid 2004 and then went back to California to get my entire family.   For close to a year I worked and we did start from zero having no beds or even table in our appartment, by then my second boy was already born he is now 4.  Soon after we bought a home, our very own home and a lot of dreams started to build in our minds.  I had expressed my then wife about the posibility of quit working and set up a new business that would carry us over in hard economy times and once developed would be something we would have for our kids.  In when my oldest boy was born I had suffered from Panic Attacks and very accute symptoms of depression.  This time in Portland the effects were devastating, during the time our business was in operations which was about 1 year I spent countless hours by myself at the business because I could not afford to hire someone.  During this time, we decided to send our kids to California with their grandma so we could work together and turn things arround financially. My ex-wife got two job while I wa working at the business.  During this time my panic attacks became unbereable, medicated and with the business in my mind I started not listening to my wife, not to mention that we did not see each other the whole day until sometime between 10 and 11pm.  At that point medicated and under the side effects could not effectively give my wife attention and she started growing appart from me.  In July 2008 when she came from California came with an ultimatum for all of us to go back to California with her mom or else. The next day she had the divorce documents on the table. 
Soon after she started talking to a friend my mine, first trying to investigate if I was seeing someone then the phone calls became regular on the daily basis without me being aware of what was going on.  With my panic attacks and depression along with the business stress and finding out later she was having a phone relationship the effects on my menthal and phisicall health were devastating. In her mind she gave me the signs and I did not pick up on them, also said she could not and did not want to deal with my illness.  During that time left the house and eventually went to my parents in Mexico.  While in Mexico she filed for divorce and when I came back in February 7th I was already divorced.
I still love her and think she over-reacted, she says there was never more between her and my friend than a friendship but she is no longer inlove with me.  We both believe being together is best for our kids and for ourselves buy she is no longer inlove with me.  She often mentions her desire to go out, shows lack of interest of being with me, no longer displays attention for me.  Ocassionally she does kiss me and is affectionate but the next day she displays a total frivolous behavior.
Should we keep trying?

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 8/8/2009 5:49 PM (GMT -6)   
I guess that the bottom line to this (and you said it more than once) is that she said she is no longer in love with you. I think it sounds like she is living with you for convenience. I don't mean to sound harsh, but from what you have said, it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore and if you continue to live with her, you should know that. So you shouldn't get your hopes up for anything more.

You sound like a really nice person. Don't let her take advantage of you. If she is emailing somebody else of the male persuasion, there is probably more going on. And if not, the emails are enough to let you know that she is interested in this other person.

So I guess this is really up to you to do what you feel you can handle. If you are going to live with her, don't get your hopes up for a relationship with her. I would work on myself and become happy with yourself. Love your children. That is what is most important. But don't live in misery either. You deserve to have a life too.

I hope that you can understand what I am saying. I don't want to see you continue to hurt. And you know how she feels. So it is up to you whether or not you want to live with this situation.

Best wishes to you, keep posting as we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/9/2009 9:29 PM (GMT -6)   
let';s give justice to your wife..she might be torn between her emotions.. it could be you're too busy at work that's why she turned her attention to another man. or, it could be her ways for you to chase her more desperately. =)

i don't believe in relationships built over the phone..there are more serious situation than yours, but couples find ways to fix the issue. you still love your wife right? then, why not save the marriage? look, this is some God's way in attesting your faith to each other.

Link was removed as it connected with a for-profit company. It was fine to suggest an uncontested divorce, but I think the poster is already divorced.

Post Edited By Moderator (Frances_2008) : 8/9/2009 9:06:42 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 8/9/2009 10:15 PM (GMT -6)   
If I might, there are counselors who specialize in working with divorced parents. I know a colleague of mine said he & his ex-wife really benefited from that. His wife had been having an emotional relationship prior to the divorce & then made it a physical relationship only a couple of weeks post-divorce. Sad as it may be, you are now divorced & there really isn't much that you can say about it anymore. However, as it seems you want to be able to at least get along with her so you can together support your children, perhaps, if she is willing, some counseling to try to set-up some "ground rules" on when you will talk, what you will talk about, what decisions about your children you want to make together vs. are okay making separately, etc. could benefit everybody.

I am really sorry that you are struggling so much with all of this. Maybe seeing an individual counselor just to process through all of the inconsistent words/behaviors/emotions you are getting from your ex. Divorce is really hard on just about everybody. It seems like it doesn't necessarily get easier even with time, so do try to make it a priority to take care of yourself & your children & if you are somehow able to make any necessary interactions with your ex smoother & less confusing, that would be even better, but you can only control what happens with you & your kids; if you ex is not willing to make any changes to see a professional, then the only real options you have are to keep the confusion you have right now, or somehow learn to move on.

Please keep posting & letting us know how we can support you.

Moderator -- Depression Forum

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