I joined several days ago, and since I can't seem to sleep (again), I thought I'd introduce myself.
I'm 54, and it seems I've fought depression and anxiety all of my life. After a wicked post-partum depression with my second son, my OB/GYN started me on Tofranil. Life since then has been a roller coaster of treatment, no treatment, antidepressants that did or did not work, or stopped working. I'd get better, "forget" that I ever had problems, go at life like I was killing snakes, and coast along until I'd decompensate again. How I've survived this long, I don't know.
I made it through raising three wonderful kids, 36 years of being married to a great man, nursing school (graduated at 40), and working thirten years as a hospital RN. For the last ten or so, migraines and baffling fatigue episodes have slowed me down, from full-time-plus, to the point that I was only able to work PRN (on an "as needed" basis, depending on whether I had the energy to work. That might be only one or two twelve-hour shifts a week).
My husband and our live-in daughter both were laid off, and I had to find a new job where I could get enough hours make the house payments, pay bills, and buy groceries. I lasted five weeks-and realized I can no longer learn, or retain, new information, be depended on to make rational decisions, or keep up with the demands of floor nursing. I got fired on Tuesday, and checked my self into an Acute Intervention Unit on Wednesday.
That was five weeks ago. Since, I've accepted the fact that I have full-fledged Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and serious depression. I seem to spend as much, or more, time in bed than I do up and around. Heaven help me if I have a day when I feel better-I get caught up in the "push and crash" cycle, try to do too much, and take days to recover. On the advice of my counselor, I've applied for disability, but I'm having problems even getting my unemployment, since I left one job voluntarily to take another.
I feel useless, stupid, slow, phony, old, and hopeless. The one thing I was so proud of-being a nurse-has been taken from me by my illness and emotional state. I could probably get a job tomorrow-but can't guarantee any reliable attendance, thanks to the CFS, and, I guess, the depression. That's IF I could learn the ropes fast enough to keep any job. I've gone from being CFS sick-tired, but still wanting to do things, to being depressed tired, and not caring about much of anything. All I want to do is stay in bed, covers over my head. I wish I could go to sleep, and never wake up. At least I'm not as fixated on the gun in the desk, like I was when I first got fired. Now, I'm just dying a little at a time, getting older and more expendable as time goes on. I can't see anything to look forward to. I can barely find a reason to get up in the mornings.
I'm not asking for sympathy-I realize there are so many who are in much worse situations than mine. I just needed to get this off my chest, and am not (at the moment, anyway) bad enough to call a help line. If I'm still this down in the morning, I may call and ask for an emergency session with my counselor. I admit, I've been covering up a lot when I talk with her. Losing face hurts.....
Thanks, anyone who's gone to the trouble of reading all of this.
Edit: I gave your thread a title :)
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 8/17/2009 9:39:39 AM (GMT-6)