Im not so worried about
school, not as much as I thought... at least I dont think I am. I am worried about
being around ALL the new people and new faces. Tons and tons of people that I dont know. I get very insecure in that kind of situation. I was used to school where I knew everyone and saw the same people from year to year ya know. Im worried about
how well I will be able to pay attention in class and how bad I will procrastinate my work. And how exhausted I am going to be. I get exhausted early in the day even when I do absolutely nothing.. and when I do something during the day, Im that much more tired and worn out. So, I dont know what Im going to do.
Also, this baby thing... Im praying everyday for a boy. I dont want to be selfish and I dont want it to be a boy simply so I can have him. I just know that she cant take care of another kid. Boy OR girl. I also know that she wont have the help of her parents this time because they are VERY upset about
it. And the suspected father has no job and also quit school and never does anything. So, he doesnt need a kid either. Either way though, I will be in the picture. I am in the place of the "daddy". So, if its a girl, basically we will share custody, in other words. Even though its not REALLY mine, it is in a way. Because I will be there no matter what and support it and anything I have to do. I already am.
btw, for those who are a little lost on this... I just need to explain a little in general. First, we arent "together". YES, I am gay. I am actually talking to a girl right now who knows about
this whole baby situation and she is very excited as well. A while back I had a thing for my friend(the pregnant one) So, basically it is like we are a couple, but we really arent. We are like our own little family. We go shopping with the 3 year old, go to the park, grocery shopping, cook dinner, etc. Only because she doesnt have anyone to help her or support her. And honestly, I wouldnt stick around if it werent for the little boy and this new baby. We are know we do it for the kids. And thats why Im there.... to be a good influence and role model and look out for him, and the new one. So, basically, shes the pregnant mommy and Im the excited new "daddy" who goes to the doc appts. with her and everything else. So..... it is VERY real life for me because one day this really will be how things work for me.
Im okay with this arrangement and like I said, I pray EVERY single day that its a boy just so I know my mom will get him most likely and he will have so much more. If not, Im going to be there every step of the way and take care of it just as if she were my own. Im already attached to this unborn baby. And I know thats kind of bad... but I feel its just as much mine as if it were in my own stomach.
Im not all that worried about
the baby thing AND school mixing because I get way more money for school than I need so I can afford the baby stuff. And I only have class for 2 hours a day. And I can also take online classes so that I could stay home if I needed to. Its really not a problem. I will have my mom to help out or my friend will have the baby. So, thats really not a big deal.
This sounds totally insane, I know. But, I wish you guys could feel how I feel about
this. I really want it. I just have this outstanding passion for kids and I just really think that everyone deserves a loving family and people to support them 100% and give them opportunities in life and I just feel she cant offer that. Thats a horrible thing to say about
a friend, but its the honest truth. She dropped out of HS, never got her GED, has never had a stable job... she has had like 50 jobs, but only works for about
a week before quitting. She lives were the rent is free, like a housing thing. And recieves food stamps. Thats not a bad thing, no way am I saying that. I mean, she needs all that... but my point is that if you cant afford everyday essential things and take care of yourself and your child and have a steady job, then you just shouldnt have another baby. Ya know. And the worst part is that she is just so darn lazy. She has had the opportunity to get her GED. To go to class... but she never does. She has gotten some great paying jobs, but always quits. I mean, come on... if I had a kid I had to provide for, I would work 10 of the worst jobs in the world if it meant providing for my child and myself... but shes not like that. So..
Im sorry to ramble on, but this is just such a large life-changing thing. And no matter the gender of the baby, he/she will be mine. So, either way I will be there providing and helping and caring for it so.... its just a matter of knowing for sure if shes going to legally sign it away or not. Either way, I will be a HUGE part of its life.. Im very excited about
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia"Cracks
in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
"Sometimes it is best to
what you feel
what you deserve
Post Edited (TeNNiSd0C09) : 8/25/2009 10:41:53 AM (GMT-6)