Technically speaking I have been dealing with this depression for about
2 years now. But really, I've always been sad. For so long, it seemed like growing pains. That one day I would grow out of it. Instead, it got deeper. And now, I don't find anything worth doing. The problem is that on paper I am 100% healthy. I have had blood tests and even after discovering and treating a few unknown allergies and deficiencies and such, nothing has changed. I have changed my birth control 4 times. I still have panic attacks, I still don't really want to be here. My doctor has known me too long, and like everyone else in this town, thinks that I am just the perfect little student, so smart, so successful, blah, blah, blah. She refuses to do more than give me a referral to a therapist, which I then have to quit because my insurance will not cover it. She thinks I am going through some sort of "College Blues" thing. I don't know what it is, but something keeps me here, keeps me trying, keeps me doing the things I used to love, in hopes that when I get better (which at this point I doubt), everything will be back to normal.
The problem is that I am not normal, I've never been. I seem to be, but when you're molested by a schoolmate when you're seven for an entire year, it's hard to live life outside your head. You retreat into your thoughts, because no one can take advantage of you then, nobody can make you feel stupid. I was forced into counseling at the school because I was blamed for the whole thing, not even my parents stood up for me I had to leave class once a week and go sit in a stupid little room where a man with sock puppets treated me like I was some sicko, troubled kid. It wasn't my fault. I wanted to shout at him, tell him to stop it, because I was not a sicko, I was fine, it wasn't me.
Until then, I was happy, then suddenly I was tainted goods.
I don't know what to do anymore, because I've tried mind over matter, I've tried just pretended I'm not depressed, I've tried changing my life multiple times to see what I could do to make me happy, but the fact is I'm not. What am I supposed to be some of the most beautiful moments for me, seem silly when I look at them because they just don't mean anything at all. Nothing means anything. I'm waiting to be hit by a bus.
I can't get help though. The people around me only know me as the person that I've worn, the person who tries so desperately hard, they think I try because I'm motivated and bright, but I know better. I try so desperately hard, because I think that it will help me forget the pain.
I'm so tired of all this and I don't know what to do. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me, physically, I really do have no problem with my personality or the way I look, my family is annoying and has their share of issues, but nothing too serious, I have been extremely blessed with brains and friends and respect and admiration, and yet I am sad, so sad all the time. And lonely. I live in a house with 5 other people and I feel, because I am a slave to the mind I can't control, that I might as well be locked up in a cell. It doesn't seem to change either because who would want to spend time with someone so strange, so sad, and so lost.
I feel like an idiot.
I guess I felt I had to share. I just figure someone's gotta have advice or answers for me...somewhere.
Edit: Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are not permitted. I took out one short sentence in your post. Thank you for understanding.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 8/28/2009 8:55:27 AM (GMT-6)