Hello. I'm new here 100%, I just searched and found this place.
I feel empty. Its the same feeling like as if you don't feel your own heart beating. The worst thing is that before high school, I was happy and self-satisfied. I was carefree and no worries. That was 4 years ago and now I feel like there's no use in doing anything. I mean, feels like I WANT to be happy and simple and so carefree but it just seems impossible. I had high hopes a few times to events or seeing/hanging out with a friend. I get 100% positive that it'll be so much fun. But, when that time comes, I suddenly shut myself away like being quiet or not even smiling. I don't understand why that would happen when I didn't have any doubts. Its been happening since last year.
I'm known to think very deeply on things. Because of that I can't enjoy on something because it feels like I know the outcome so instead I just 'wait' until its over. And it saddens me because I'm like this, can't enjoy myself because instead I automatically wait until its done. Now, recently this year, I'm thinking the same way on life itself. Now I think 'Everyone dies. So, why do so much hard work and effort when no one lives forever?' I'm Catholic. But I admit, I haven't gone to Church since I left Private school years back. I question everything now even in religion. But I hate that, I'm despising my own negativity and yet I know that it's just feeding it.
I don't have any friends in person or near by me. I only have friends that are long-distant. They care about me and I know so. But, I just can't understand why the good people I have met are always far away. Why can't they be close? So I take a negative view on it and just feel even more alone. I feel like I'll freeze soon without some sort of affection that is close.
Also, I feel tired all the time. I have so much homework to do and I'm behind everyone since I'm in home schooling. I'm scared of what the future will be because it could all fall at any time for no reason. And now, I just lay back, not saying anything, close my eyes, and wait until I fade. But inside, I want to be happy but this is holding me back. What can I do? Do I have some disorder? I want to be carelessly happy, of course knowing my responsibilities.
I feel satisfied that I'm able to talk this out where people to simply listen. Honestly, I don't want to feel rejection or even fear it. Thank you to whom it mayever concern.