well, it is good to see some response...
I am 34 yrs old, I have 4 children (8, 6, 2, 1), I do run a daycare with 4 to 6 additional children.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and addictions my whole life.
My mother was diagnosed bipolar, and committed suicide 5 years ago.
I have been to some counseling, but not for quite a while, not for a long period of time and it does not seem like an option now.
I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old. (He was 16). We have been married 13 years.
When I was 21 yrs old, the year we got married, and for 3 years after that, I had a drug and alcohol problem.
As a result, I made many poor choices, including random, repeated infidelity. I cheated 11 times over that 3.5 year period. He found out, and I said I had to leave, not because I wanted out or wanted something different, but because I knew that I had broken his heart and I loved him too much and felt I did not deserve him.
I left for 2 days and then returned to beg him to take me back.
I was at an all time low.
He refused, I left in great turmoil, and sat outside of a church and begged God to take care of me.
He found me there a couple of hours later and told me he loved me and would forgive me. I felt that God stepped in and gave me another chance, too.
The next year was hard. I stopped using but he increased and with it came a lot of abandonment. He would leave and not come home for days, and I would wait, sick with worry, but felt that I deserved it. Of course I did, I cheated on him and lied to him.
As time went on, he got a little better and we started our family. My life was punctuated with bouts of joy and grief. Over and over.
A year and a half ago, May 16, 08, he suddenly, out of the blue, wanted to ask me specific details about my infidelity.
Who, What, Where, When, and of couse, Why.
This last year has been hell, He has replaced his drug problem with a sex addiction, and of course I am glad he wants me, but sometimes it feels really demeaning.
He is angry at me a lot and blames me for his anger, and for changing him into someone he hates.
My worth is very low, I literally feel shredded. Like my backbone is gone, and all that is left is a big black hole.