Hi guys, first of all sorry I haven't been here much lately, I have been very buesy with my new job and the holly month of ramadan. but I think of you all and you are in my prayers always. some strange feelings came to me tonight at the end of the day and I have to share with someone because I don't have any real friends. well I have relatives which can be considered friends but I think you know what I mean. I feel alone and down right now, why is it I feel like this now even though I have been feeling great for 3 weeks now since I got my new job. well not exactly, I did have a break down 2 weeks ago and I was saw and had abreak down in his office too.... he perscribed me prozac, as a result. I thought it's just the stress of my new job and the month of ramadan and maybe because I also stoped smoking recently that I am under a lot of stress, but maybe there is more than that.
There is something seruisly wrong with me, I am doing all the right things, but not feeling good about
myself. I have a job again, and I am on time everyday for 3 weeks now, and I like my job. infact I love it. so why should I feel down or sad now? why do I cry now as I write this? could it be because there is something still missing in my life? maybe. I can think of a few things. first thing comes to my mind is that I am 36 now and have not found my soul mate yet, I have never felt true love and may never will, I still have hope but I am not sure. everyone tells me I should just try and be consistant and keep my job and good things will come eventually, but I can't wait. even though I have a job now the pay is low, and I cannot start a family now with this pay, so I am still stuck living with my parents for now. I need to work on my career and try to find a better paying job.
Another thing comes to my mind is that I don't have any real friends. most of my friends have left the country or I have lost touch with them because everytime I see them I am embarased of myself, I don't like to tell them how I am a failure. well things are changing now, and I am doing something productive, so maybe I should try calling some of my old friends, even though I don't feel like it but it is something I should do. everyone needs to have friends around him... I think..
it seems like the harder I try to fix myself, the more dificult and harder my strugle. I can always take the easy route and just lay back and relax like I used to, but I know that is not the road to hit, no matter how good it sounds, as they say no pain no gain.
I wish I would know what is wrong with me, what is my diagnosis. after seeing over a dozen of doctors, and hospitalized twice, I don't know my diagnosis.. I asked my doctors what is my diagnosis? he saw the reports from the hospital where I stayed for 4 months in 2008 and answered thousands of quizes and did excersizes and groups sessions there everyday like a genipig. and what did he tell me? he said do you want to know your diagnosis or do you want me to help you? I said I just want to get better, and stop crying and feeling bad. then he said you need to be back on meds, and perscribed me prozac. I felt good for two weeks but maybe it was all an illusion, by the drug? I'm starting to have doupts again now, as I write this about
the use of drugs... do they really help us or just make us feel a little better? I think these drugs don't offer the core solution to the problem, but just make our life a little easier.
Anyway I should go to sleep now, it's 4 AM even thought I don't have work tomorerow as it's friday ( our day off ) but I should not stay too late lol. I already feel better now, by just writing this and sharing, and look forward to your reply tomorerow have a nice day everyone!
Former Addict of Online Video Games ( MMORPGs ) , Sober since April 6th 2008
Diagnosed with Major Depression since 2002
Post Edited (Akram) : 9/10/2009 7:14:24 PM (GMT-6)