Well, the money I moved into those accounts is gone. Business was good in the first part of 08 and I had a substantial cash reserve. It depleted very quickly...now I have next to nothing and business is still not going well. I still do not have any debt so bankruptcy wouldn't help me any. I'm just out of money. I can look through the records and see where it started going downhill...and that's AUG08. It's really a miracle I've lasted as long as I have.
I cannot talk to a physician as I do not have one. I had to drop my health insurance a couple months ago. In Texas there is no public system that's worth using unless you're close to ending it all. Then they'll take you in as an in-patient but I'm not quite there.
Anyway this has been going on some time now. I have honestly made those plans to move forward. They just didn't work.
I remember January very clearly. I was thinking that after the holidays business may pick up (things always slow down during the holidays), but they did not. January was actually my worst month...I lost $21k. When I wrote that post I obviously didn't yet know that. But I was in some kind of emotional stasis. I will not lie and say I was happy but I was sort of in that holding pattern you referred to.
In February or maybe early March I had some kind of "nervous breakdown" for lack of a better way of putting it. That was a result of what happened in January. I came back from that and posted a couple of good months but it's been on the decline again for some time.
Most times I tend to deny that I have depression. It's something I felt got "switched off" when A/P was "switched on". And I think that's accurate, too. But it started coming back and I have been unable to deny it. My quality of life is nil. I've put my heart and soul into a failing business. My friends and family and love life have all taken a back seat. I mean a person has to make a living right? Well suddenly I have no support system, and though I've never needed one to the extent that some do, everyone needs some kind of support. I feel distant from everything and everyone. I've worked so hard at just staying personally solvent but I think that's about
to crash too and then I'll have nothing.
Thing is, I may be totally different tomorrow. I may very well start fighting again, but last week and this weekend and today I just feel beaten. So far with that one exception (nervous breakdown I told you about
) I have been able to beat back the sadness to fight...that's the only reason I didn't go broke months and months ago. Until today I haven't really felt like I did back in February or March. It's a horrific combination of anxiety and depression. I mean I can't even leave my apartment. These headaches I get are so bad it's difficult to drive. I don't know what to do.
There is one person in my life out there who cares, and that is my mother. She, however is a complicated woman to begin with and on top of that is going through some of her own problems right now. I don't really feel I have anyone to talk to, and I'm not sure how much good talking would do anyway. The facts are what they are, and they're not pleasant.
Really I cannot have peace of mind while going broke. I need to fix this but I've tried everything. The only thing to do now is to give up and get a job, but as everyone knows that is not easy these days. Earlier I was thinking about
whether or not I could even function at a regular job after being self employed and with all the other issues I have going on.
I don't know. I think it's one thing to be laid off from a job, and that's certainly terrible, but it's quite another to have put so much into a business only to see it fail. It's very hard to see everything I've worked so hard for fall apart. And to have no unemployment benefits or anything like that? There's no safety net. My business isn't really capitalized so there's nothing to liquidate. I'm a consultant. There's no inventory, nothing to strip apart and sell to live off of until something else comes along.
And I just feel so alone in this.
I guess I will just take phone calls today. Maybe do a little paperwork tonight. Then get back to it tomorrow because really I don't have anything else to do. I just hope this headache will leave me alone. I noticed you're also a moderator of the GERD board and that's another big problem I'm having right now.
But I can't stay where I'm at, kitt. Where I am now is a very bad place. I have to find a way to move forward and whether it's a step or a leap I don't care. Problem is I don't know what to do anymore.
Hope this message made sense. I have a billion things going through my head. Hope you're doing well and thanks for your response.