Okay, I will take some time to elaborate more.
Your right. I dont socialize, period. At all. Not because I dont have time, because I just cant seem to make friends with people. I smile, Im friendly...I am like the most caring person ever, yet these days that doesnt seem to be enough. I was introduced to a girl whom I really liked and we hung out, of course I blew it cause I wasnt myself and didnt say much and she just wants to be friends. Even though I REALLY like her. That pretty much broke my heart. My ex whom I sparked yet another relationship with a few weeks ago suddening stopped talking to me and I just found out she went back to her former abusive girlfriend. I seriously dont know whether to laugh or cry... I dont understand why people are the way they are... I would be friends with myself and date myself if I could... I dont want to brag, but Im a catch! But, for some reason Im invisible and noone sees me or wants to have anything to do with me.
My friend whom I talked a lot about
(they gay guy) has moved on and has all new friends. I seen him today and he totally ignored me. Never talks to me anymore. I have a total of 3 friends whom I talk to and see occasionally. Then, I have the pregnant lazy girl who gets angry with me when I dont do every little thing for her.
I just really dont get it. I thought this whole college thing would help me being around new people making new friends.... but its just worse because now I am all alone everywhere I go. I sit alone. I eat alone. I read alone... I walk around alone. I watch everyone else interacting with people and talking and laughing and its like I am not capable of that at all. I cant seem to understand that at all.
I dont know what is wrong with me. Ive just become this invisible nobody. No one sees me. No one hears me. No one cares for my presence. Im just nothing really. Just matter taking up space...
I cant focus in class anymore. I loved class to begin with. I now hate my chemistry, sociology, chem lab, and history. The only one I like is English, only because I have become good friends with my professor through facebook... so she sees me! Thats the only time I feel like I am not invisible. School is so lonely. So quiet.
I seem to just not care for anything anymore. I have been putting up with things for so long and I am about
to explode. I cant handle my friend complaining to me about
doing something when I do everything for her and everything for her son. Im a really good person and yet no one knows it... no one gives me a chance. Because I am invisible. I cant take going to class and seeing everyone making friends and socializing while I sit there in silence. I just hate all of it really...
Also, my meds.... strike three I suppose. Obviously its NOT working... I dont know why I ever thought it would. I dont think I will ever feel better. I just continue to suffer thinking there is hope and it just never comes. I have so much going for me though... my family, my FEW friends, that little boy, the unborn baby, school, a career, Im smart, Im caring, I'd do anything for another person, I want my own family someday, etc.... I have so many things to live for ya know... But things just keep getting worse. And slowly my list is starting to be less and less important compared to the amount of mental pain I am feeling. I just need to feel something.
Ive tried talking to my friends. One really isnt sure what to say but cares... the other is in the same boat as I am therefore she has no idea how to help. I dont like to talk about
how I feel. AT ALL. Im so scared to tell anyone about
it. I have been honest with my therapist, but I havent told her everything. I just havent developed that trust for her. Something about
her is more of a joke than serious to me. However, I trust my pdoc more... I just never know what to say to him... Last time I even mentioned something bad I had to sign a safety thing.... I am afraid of what might happen if I tell them the whole truth... ya know...
Well, I hope that was enough info to go on... I could talk all night about
everything bothering me.. but thats good enough... I have to go to the hospital in the morning, last week I left there crying and had a panic attack(thats a story in itself) An older lady I was working with made me cry. She kept asking why I didnt really do anything when I was young and healthy, she got kinda angry. And all my ears heard was "your worthless"... I couldnt explain to her that I had Fibro and couldnt help that much.... So, I cried and ran out... then had a horrible panic attack... so, I hope this week is better....
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Prozac (July 09), Rozerem, Melatonin Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-in therapy-pdoc-therapist: dx'ed with Dysthymia"Cracks
in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
"Sometimes it is best to
what you feel
what you deserve