hi r. sounds like a lot of suppression and repressed feelings. letting them out is very carthartic, but getting rid of them, well this is much harder. karen has given you excellent wisdom. seek some professional input, yeah we all sabotage from time to time, i did the other night, for me it is avoidance coping, i rarely do it, but when i do..........well. hw has taught me about the here and now, and i practice what i preach in leaving the past in the past, yeah hard stuff, but the more you do the more that you naturally focus on the here and now. for me, and probably you a work in progress. maybe a chat with your bf to. with healing compassion. jamie. ps life is a journey, so take it, and for those special to us, them too.
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder