I haven't even been here in a few months... but right now I feel terrible and I have no one to talk to.
I have been on Celexa for depression for well over a year (this time). Recently, due to a mix-up with my insurance company, I was without it for about 4 or 5 days (I can't even remember clearly). It threw me so off that I can't even remember a lot of what I did for those few days. It was really frightening. I have had my meds for a few days now, but I still don't feel right.
One night, I sent my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who he is still friends with, a really mean message. I barely even remember writing it... only vaguely. When I saw later that I had sent it, I was so humiliated that I deleted it right away. But, needless to say, she contacted him about it, he is upset, and wants to know what it said. I can't even remember, and I don't have the message anymore. I'm sure he probably doesn't believe me. Ever since I found out that he went out with this girl behind my back one night, I have been unreasonably upset with her... even before that, I couldn't stand her, and honestly couldn't figure out why. I'm so humiliated. I am not the type of person to hate people, or to do or say mean things to them. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like saying I'm sorry just doesn't cut it anymore. This is the third time that me disliking this girl has almost ruined our (otherwise great) relationship. I don't even know how to explain how miserable I feel about myself.
I know the medications I am on affect me, and I often feel like they affect my mood negatively, but I cannot make excuses for my actions. I have used this as an explanation for ways that I have acted and things that I have done before, and I feel like I just can't keep doing it anymore. I feel like I can't face how ashamed I am of myself. I can't stop crying. I can't even look in the mirror. I'm on the verge of losing my job because of bad attendance, on the verge of not having a place to live, because I live at my boyfriend's house. I just have no idea what to do.
The other day, I was driving and out of nowhere I started to feel extremely light-headed and faint. I got pulled over by the police as I was trying to head home, because I had started to run off the road twice. I only got a warning from the police officer, but I don't know why this happened either. At that point that day, I hadn't even taken any medications (I take all my usual ones at night). I don't know what is wrong with me. I just want to disappear. I am so tempted just to start packing up my things and leave here, because I don't even think I can look at my boyfriend again after what I've done. There's no way to fix this...
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, bulging disk in neck
Amytriptiline, Flexeril (PRN), Percocet (PRN), Celexa, B12
Be not afraid of going s l o w l y, be afraid only of standing still.