Thanks everybody. Still not feeling any better today. I cancelled the appt with my counselor because there is nothing more she can do to get my appt moved up. She did that last visit. The rest of the visit was about how I should be grateful that I have such good support systems and a nice house and no financial problems. She talked about how a lot of her clients don't have any income (been there before), anywhere to live, no one to support them, etc. I feel badly for her other clients, but right now the only one I am worried about is me. It may sound selfish, but I am the one looking at the black hole right now. This girl should realize you don't talk to a person with depression like that. It makes me feel guilty for the things I do have and her other patients don't. I would willingly trade everything I own to have a brain that's not all jacked up.
I called my insurance company today to see if I can find another pdoc. The first thing she said to me was not to cancel my appt that I have unless I can find another pdoc who will see me sooner. She said all over the country things seem to be an 8 week wait to be seen by a new one. I'll make the calls tomorrow and then set up an appt for whenever I can get one. Then I can see this doc one more time and follow up with the new one. She mentioned the ER also. I don't know what else to do.
If all else fails, I'll go to the ER. I don't want to go inpatient, but I may not have a choice if that's what it takes to get a doc. I'll call my PCP tomorrow too and ask him if he has any suggestions. He's known me since I was in my 20's, so he knows I never cry wolf.
Regardless of what happens or doesn't, suicide is NOT an option. I will fight that black hole with everything in my power and with God's help I'll make it through this one too. And I'll come out of it a better person than before. At the rate I'm going these last 20 years, I should be up for sainthood when I finally do go (in about 40 or 50 yrs) since I always come out of these episodes a better person. I have to make a little joke. Humor is important.... at least to me.
Major depression; Bipolar Disorder; Fibromyalgia; Spinal Stenosis; right arm and leg nerve compression; cataracts; glaucoma; IBS; RLS; hypothyroidism; B12 deficiency ... that's enough or I'll get more depressed.