The shine has worn off....

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New Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/19/2009 1:09 AM (GMT -6)   
So. I am nineteen years old. I've felt different and out-of-place for as long as I can remember, but I started struggling with real, I guess "definable" depression in the seventh grade. I had problems with self-harm and eating disorders from then until my sophomore year. Then, this spring, I started having problems with depression AND anxiety. This resulted in psychosomatic symptoms, included extreme, constant nausea and digestive irritation, headaches, fatigue, and an occasional panic attack. I dealt with the depression, anxiety, and stress over the summer, but I'm now afraid that I didn't kill it to the root.

Note: I wouldn't consider myself an "anxious" sort of person- I'm very laidback- but I overthink things and analyze EVERYTHING. I can deal with anything that is out in the open, but if I don't know if someone I like (as a friend, or anything) likes me too, or I just don't know what's going on, I get extremely self-conscious and hyper-focused on the "problem." (Otherwise, I hardly ever focus on anything.)

Anyway. I moved to college a couple of months ago. I very quickly made many friends in my campus ministry. (Please, don't make this about religion, period. Just consider this as just about any other group of people.) For awhile, I felt like a part of things. Occasionally, I lapsed into that awkward feeling of just not belonging, but I ignored it.

However, now I'm "new" in the awkward way, and not int he "oh-how-cool-and-exciting" way. Now, I feel like the third wheel almost constantly. Part of this does have to do with the people in my large circle of "friends" here, in how they treat me, but I don't blame them. Because it's the story of my life. In other words, I never feel like I'm really a part of what's around me for more than a few moments, at best. I know who I am and what I am like- I know that I am NOT always quiet, that I DO have a lot to say, that I DO have a great sense of humor, that I AM a great leader, speaker, performer, whatever.... But I never learned how to convey those things to other people. I don't know how to let people know who I am. Only a handful of people really know me, and I don't even know how that happened. I hardly talk to those people anymore anyway, for one reason or another.

I feel like a third wheel. I always feel like I'm watching a movie; I'm not really a part of anything. Even though I have felt this way most of my life, I know that it is not supposed to be this way. And I don't know why I'm like this. I had every opportunity to be socially "normal." I grew up like anyone else, and my family is awesome.

I can't talk about it. I don't know how to express my feelings- comprehensively, or without feeling like I'm just complaining. The only people who I feel would "get" me- my family- I can't talk to, because they're dealing with so much right now, and they don't need to know that I am not happy. I want them to at least have comfort in knowing that I'm doing well.

It's like the newness and shine of this place has worn off, and when the shine fades, I can hardly stand anything. But I guess my shine has faded too. Maybe the people here can hardly stand me.

I don't want to go back to throwing up my heart into a toilet in the back of an IHOP because I can't handle myself. I swear, if I get sick again, I will go mad.

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 10/19/2009 6:09 AM (GMT -6)   
hi the bbc. well, you are well versed and have shown that you are able to acheive much. and i think you will. time for you to be you, worts and all. by being you you can be you. via this your expression of yourself is true, for you this may be a bitter pill to swallow. i understand, i live with depression, been dx with them all, well nearly along with schizophrenia, schizo-affective and my current and long lasting dx of severe borderline personality disorder. yeah, understand self-harm issues real well. my suggestion along with the last post would be to seek out a compassionate psychiatrist. am sorry for how you are feeling, albeit the power is in your hands. my healing compassion to you.take care. jamie.
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 10/19/2009 10:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

Welcome to HealingWell. I am glad that you have come here. I use to have that problem of thinking too much. My pdoc put me on abilify. It really helps with that. It keeps you from dwelling on things. The only other thing that I could suggest is speaking with a counselor about things. That really helps me.

The abilify is also a mood stabilizer. And it works well for that. It can be taken with other antidepressants too. Which really helps.

I hope that you get things sorted out. Take things at face value and live life one day at a time.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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