Thanks Cass, Frances, Karen and Julie.
I know I can always find encouragement from you guys. Unlike so many I feel like you all really do believe in me and that helps me keep going so I appreciate it more than I can express in words.
I AM going to print my posts from this. I always want to write how I am feeling when this kind of thing happens because I can accurately describe everything. The next day it feels like it never happened but it did so its hard for me to express everything I was feeling at those exact moments. Im a super quiet person anyways so I dont talk much and last time I saw the nurse she told me to talk to her. (I was having a bad day and didnt talk at all that day so..) So, when she asks how things are I will tell her things havent been well and she will want me to explain so I will explain my anxiety and fear toward class and everything then I will tell her theres something else Im worried about
that I never brought to the attention of my pdoc because I never wanted to talk about
So, I will just give her my post and tell her thats the best way I can explain it because I cant accurately tell her how I felt at the time so.... its easier for her to read it and then she can ask questions or whatever...
I have had my thyroid checked several times... and I just had it checked about
2 months ago maybe... not long ago... I never found out the results of those labs... but I assume they were normal so... I have had it checked numerous times. Also, my aunt had thyroid disease and had part of hers removed because it grew and she couldnt breath. Well, my mom had hers checked and her is slightly over-active.... and she had to have tests done because they could feel a small lump and were worried it would grow. But, apparently it was nothing to worry about
and she doesnt take medication or anything... so... I always thought maybe it ran in the family or something...
Julie- I have worried about
PTSD. Because anytime I go through one of those episodes... it always goes back to my grandma. I told my therapist how much it hurt me when I lost her and how much it affected me and when she told that to my parents...they thought it was crazy because they didnt know she and I were so close. But, we were. And she was my everything... and I lost her 5 years ago when I was 13 and I can remember it like it was yesterday. It lasted 2 weeks from her first getting sick to when she passed away and I can remember each day. I see flashbacks of everything that happened. I remember the way she looked at me. I remember the Wedn before she passed away was the last day she was awake. She watched me the whole night with a smile on her face. As I was watching American Idol because it was down to Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. I can remember everything. From the picture I had drawn for her to the shoe I was wearing(I had a cast on one foot at the time)... I always see all of it..
And it was traumatic for me. I remember every second of those 2 weeks and exactly what I did, what I thought, everything. When I lost her I felt like I lost my own life. She was my person. The one I always went too. And I was her first grandchild so I was favored over my younger siblings. She and I had a special bond so... it was the hardest time of my life and there are so many things I regret about
it... and so many things I wish I had done and wish I could do now. Im older and more mature now and I hate that I was young and scared.
When things get over my head, I go visit her stone and I sit in her "lap". (in the grass)... now sounds weird but thats how I consider it... and I talk to her. I tell her whats on my mind and its as though she is speaking to me. And before I leave I always tell her how much I love her and that I WILL make her VERY proud of me. And she tells me shes already proud of me and I know that! So... I cant hug her.. I cant go spend the night with her... I cant call her on the phone everyday like I always did.... but I can still talk to her and feel her talking to me.
I dont know if thats like PTSD...but thats the only traumatic thing that has really affected me more than anything... Everytime I have a breakdown Im wishing she were here... I go through the flashbacks of her last weeks and everything... I re-live it over and over again..
Well, this is really long and I didnt mean to make it that way... I always get carried away when I talk about
her... anyways, thanks everyone.. I will print the post and take it with me on Friday when I see the nurse. Take Care
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Rozerem, Melatonin, Currently taking: Prozac 40mg (July 09), Trazadone 50mg (Sept 09)-Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder"Cracks
in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
"Sometimes it is best to
what you feel
what you deserve