I can really relate to you and to Jamiee and agree that it's really strong
of you to notice what's going on.
POSSIBLE SUGGESTION: Print out what you just wrote and take it to the nurse so you don't forget anything that you told us here or you can just give her the paper and say it's too hard for you to say out loud.
Along with Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Attacks/Anxiety I have PTSD and I find myself at some times more than others, and sometimes not at all talking so negative to myself, telling myself over and over that "I'm Bad, I'm Bad, I deserve a punishment" stuff like that and I hit and hit and hit myself in the face.
Mine are my voice, but my mother's words (as far as I know), spew and anger from childhood (I did finally figure that out). It starts out with rocking while holding my stomach, then groaning and then the words come out and then the hitting. We grew up very afraid. Strangest thing of all, it's like a release for me when I do that. I cry and then I feel better. It's weird. I guess I'm weird. It's the knot at the top of my stomach, it becomes tighter and tighter, and that's when I start rocking. Sometimes just rocking helps. My mom would go from being super loving, creative and fun and, in an instant, a raging, red-in-the-face monster - it was frightening. I dont' remember so much of my childhood.
There is also the possibility of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) like I have. It comes from highly traumatic occurence(s) from your past. Sometimes they come in the form of flashbacks (which I get occasionally), rocking, I found out at my last appointment 'cause I asked about it for the first time) is a sign of trauma in the past, making odd gutteral sounds to try to make the pain in the gut go away)
I'm glad you're going to talk to your doc about it. As the old 60's book says: "I'm okay, you're okay". (My mom actually had that book -- guess she just got the "I'm okay" part!
Post Edited (Naps With Cats) : 10/27/2009 8:03:01 PM (GMT-6)