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Mahal Kita
New Member

Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/3/2009 5:45 PM (GMT -6)   

I actually don't know where to start. I've called 1-800-SUICIDE several times and hung up because I'm scared, I guess.
I've been depressed pretty much my entire life. Everyone always said it was because I wanted I figured they were right...and thought that I didn't need counseling. Now, however; it's just been getting worse. I guess in all reality I know where a lot of it stems from, but healing myself has been the real issue.

I started being suicidal when I was 6. My mother caught me with in my bedroom. I basically didn't want to live because I had been molested, my step-father beat me all the time, and my mother didn't care or would let it happen. So, at that age I thought I was just worthless to them and that's why I thought I didn't need to be around.

The next time was later in life...I was in 7th grade. I had no idea why I tried doing it, but it felt like the right thing to do.

When I was 15 I used to myself all the time because I felt like pain would make everything better. I lost my virginity that year and the guy that I lost it to ended up being a real jerk. He swung at me, used to call me names, etc. But I "loved" him so the day he broke up with me was what felt like the worst day of my life... Never did it so bad I made it to the hospital, but what else was I suppose to do to make the pain go away?

Around the age of 16 my mother and I got into an argument about how she never treated her children right. She used to let my step-father beat us...she never did anything for us. I told her about how I was molested several times and she never did anything about it. One time I told her the day after it happened and even had a witness to what was going on. She flat-out called me a liar. Told me she didn't believe me and I lied about everything. That day I felt so useless, so my mother. It sucked. I moved out of her house and in with my grandparents.

Around this same time I started dating what would become my high school sweetheart. We were together for 2 1/2 years...and then it went to hell. I moved away to go to college and everything was fine until I told him my ex-boyfriend had stopped by my apartment for nothing, but to say hi and hang-out (and that IS what really happened). A few days boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't near me. I found out later he had been seeing someone else almost a week after I left for school. It destroyed me. I was all alone in this new town, no friends, nothing to help me through it. I started myself in the bathroom... and started being a little more promiscuous...I needed to feel "loved" or "wanted." It wasn't enough and eventually I sat down on my living room floor with the I had in my apartment and took all of them... after I was done taking them I went to the store and got more. As I was laying down to go to ex-boyfriend actually stopped by...and at first didn't notice, but then I finally told him I didn't feel well. He took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach...hooked me up to a few machines... and stayed in intensive care for 3 days. . I promised myself I wouldn't do it again... I was 19.

Now, here I am..24 years old. I've been happy. I was married. I went into the military. Some things were fine...but now everything is coming down on me again.

I was told I have a tumor: Pituitary Adenoma's a brain tumor on your pituitary gland which in turn prevents you from having children.
I could have surgery, but after doing my research I found out that if I have the surgery the chances of having a baby afterward is still very slim. The day I found that out destroyed me.
Eventually, I didn't feel good enough for my husband. Our relationship ended after 2 1/2 years of marriage. I'm currently in a relationship and I'm feeling like my depression could end this one as well. I don't want it to.
But, really, I think it has to do with the fact that my grandfather (my father figure) passed away in August...and NONE of my family ever called me to make sure I was okay. I felt like I was alone a lot. My family didn't even care to ask how I was. My family didn't care about me.

So, I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I get scared living the house. I get easily frustrated. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to live basically...because what's the point of living if I'm worthless to everyone?

It's just getting terrible now. I cry a lot. I'm alone. I lost all my friends. My family. My husband. The ability to have a baby. The ability to converse with people. I have constant anxiety attacks. I start shaking violently. Please help me...or at least refer me to someone who can. I am pretty poor so I don't have the finances to pay for psychologist. Nor would I know how to... but if you know of maybe a free service for people like least I'd be a step closer into helping myself.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before I decide I can't take it anymore.


Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 11/3/2009 6:08:12 PM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 11/3/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
you are not worthless. you need to get counseling and get help. you can get past this. its not your fault for what your stepdad did its his fault and your mom's for allowing it.please seek help
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 11/3/2009 7:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey there sweetie,
First of all, welcome to healingwell depression forum.  I am so glad that you found us.  And before I go through any farther I want to give you some resources.  So here they are:
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state) (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
I am sorry that your mother was the way that she was.  Unfortunately we can't pick our parents.  But we can change ourselves.  You have to try to move on.  Get in touch with your local mental health association and find out if there are any programs that you would qualify for that would help you get some help.  Same with Social Services, you might qualify for some help there too. 
You have to realize that you have done nothing wrong and you need to stop punishing yourself.  You continue to take it out on the wrong person.  One day you might want to confront your mother for what she has done to you.  Then again, you might want to let it go.  Either way is okay.  It all comes down to how much you want to deal with the past.  Some of us choose to forget about it. 
You are a good person and worthy of love and companionship.  I didn't have children either, but I have some wonderful grandchildren through marriage.  So life is good after all. 
I hope that you feel better soon.  Call somebody and get some help.  Keep trying.  And remember that we are here for you.  So keep posting and talk to us.
Take care my friend.
Hugs, Karen

  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 11/3/2009 9:57:54 PM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/3/2009 8:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mahal,

Welcome to the depression forum. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Childhood neglect and abuse is a lifelong inheritance. I'm so sorry for your suffering.

You can get better but you need to seek out some resources for help. Local mental health clinics often offer services on a sliding scale, and I would definitely try and get in and see either a psychiatrist or a counselor soon. Ideally both. Take care of yourself. Gather your courage and make the call. You owe it to yourself.

No one can fix what happened as you grew up, but you can take some steps to make the future better. You're stronger than you think because you've already survived a lot.


ps. I had to edit out some of the details of your post, as they might have been triggering for others. Thank you.
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

Mahal Kita
New Member

Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/11/2009 6:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey all! Thank you for the warm reception.

I actually did try contacting the local mental health clinic around here. Left them a message and they never called me back.
However, I wanted to let you know that I am better than I was at that moment when I wrote my post...I found this poem I wrote a while back when I sank into depression before and it's kind of helping. I have to read it every day to really feel better and to remember that everything is okay.

So, I thought I would share it with everyone because it could be uplifting...
it's called "Silent Misery"

Quiet your heart
Still your mind
Soothe your tears
And unwind.

What may seem bleak
And makes you sad
Is only time
And there's a plan.

You crave heart's content
And yearn tomorrow's end
It's okay
Your heart will mend.

Sometimes you'll cry
And shake with tears.
But today you fight
And stitch your fears.

--Ashley R.

So, thank you again...and maybe that will help others as well.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 11/11/2009 8:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. Do you like to write poetry, because if you do, we have a thread on poems. I hope that you can find it. I will bump it up for you if I can.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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