I'm new here, and I have to say it's strange posting my thoughts on a forum like this. But I also feel quite isolated in what I'm going through right now and I thought perhaps this would be a good place to find some support, advice, and even some compassion. I've been suffering from major depression now for two years. I am told I also have Post traumatic Stress Disorder, which is also causing major anxiety and OCD. The PTSD comes from things I went through as a little girl but kept repressed until something else traumatic happened 20 yrs later and it all came flooding out. It really hasn't stopped ever since. I was in hospital for 3 months initially because the sudden major depression pretty much rained me completely, and I have been in therapy since.
It all still feels very surreal, as if I am living someone elses life. This is never how I imagined it to be. I am married, but have no children yet and my husband has been great, though it is a huge strain on him, and he doesn't really know what to say anymore, not do I really
open up to him as much anymore because it doesn't seem to help either of us. He just wants me to 'stop woorying', but I"ve been doing it so long, I don't really know where that off-switch is. I turn thirty before the end of the year now, and instead of looking forward to it, I just feel like I'm a huge failure and 30 will just stamp me as someone who could have really made a go of it but wasn't strong enough. I never wanted to be dependent on my husband financially or for constant approval, in fact, that was my mission in life, to not be that...yet here I am and I'm not sure I can win this one. I'm just so tired. Even after two years of what seems like doing nothing, I feel like I have no energy to achieve anything. If I make myself a sandwich, or take a shower it's a BIG deal.
I wonder if the medication or therapy should have helped more by now. I have therapy for 45 min every 2 weeks. Initially I had it with this really great lady (psy. nurse) that I felt I could tell anything to. But she went on maternity leave and now I have to talk to a guy, which is already 10x more difficult, and he is a psychologist/behaviour
al therapist that wants me to try EMDR. It all sounds ok, however, ever since I was transferred to him, nothing much has happened except him prying from my lips what happened to me as a child. HE writes down little notes, like he's taking inventory, but never comments on what I tell him. For me it's like I'm sharing all these huge secrets more in a confessional when I kind of feel like maybe he should be saying something when I tell him stuff, to make me feel better. It just doesn't feel completely right.
In any case I was wondering if anyone else has experience with this and if I am getting the right help. I know this is in my brain and that it's not something I can change overnight or solve myself. But is once every 2 weeks in this way enough? What treatment is usually recommended? And what can I do to stop feeling so very very lonely and like I am wasting everybody elses time or space? I hope someone out there will reply to this. Thank you for listening