hi, if this is too off topic let me know and i will delete it. i have to get this off my chest. as of now i am not depressed but i am stressed and feeling kind of down, its worse now cause hubby is out of town and im all alone and i am not used to it. i know tonight im headed for nightmares.
but for the reason im writing. My mom is dying and it is slow. it can be six months or a year or even two years before it comes but i think it will be six months to a year. she has hep and she is a alcoholic. i am her caretaker and it takes alot out of me sometimes especially when she gets hateful. well she has put me through alot with her being on drugs or alcohol my whole entire life. she has always chosen them over her family. now most will say that i should be a wreck cause of that but i have been a survivor and have picked myself up time and time again. i am at the point now if i find out she is drinking then i am wanting to say im threw with her but yet i know with her dying i could never do that. my sister is no help to me whatsoever and i cant depend on her to take my mom to the doctor if needed if i am at work or for any emergency. yeah it is rough i am a full time worker, mother, wife, and caretaker to a mom that has never really done anything for me cept make me miserable. no one understands why i do it and often states if it were them they wouldnt do it. yes it takes alot out of me and i sometimes slowly feel myself going insane sometimes. i have even cried over stupid crap at work cause i am stressed out. i am a manager at work and i have alot on my plate. i sometimes think life would be easier for me when she passes but then i feel guilty for feeling this way.
well now i want to figure out how i can fight off being depressed when she dies. is there a way that i can battle it before it comes on and how i am going to get past the guilt of not having a relationship with my mom the way i should and feeling the way i feel. my hubby will be there for me but he cant stand her, i dont blame him but it is a long story on why. i willl have to pay for her funeral, make the plans, and deal with everything as i know my sister wont do it. i have seen what my hubby went through and im scared as hell. can i write here how i feel if and when the time comes. i know dont plan for something when you dont know when but when you know it is gonna happen sooner or later then you have to prepare. is there even a way to prepare for something like this. i know i will know when it comes because i knew when my grandparents died that they were dead before anyone else did as they came to me, i have a gift of knowing. yes they were in comas but everyone else was saying they were g oing to get better but i knew they were gone. i look at it as a gift. and my heart is telling me that i dont have long with her.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are