Like Frances said, I have been through the very same thing. When I was in 7th grade, I didnt worry too much about it because it was who I was. I didnt tell anyone because I didnt think they HAD to know... it was just something I kept to myself... But, after years of holding it in... In 11th grade, I finally lost it and I HAD to tell my friends. I told them and they were all okay with it. In fact, they had all known anyways! lol... Most of the time, people can tell....
But, its a very difficult thing to struggle with, I know thats fact. My family is very much anti-gay... my parents, not so much. But they dont talk about it. However, the rest of my family always has something bad to say and Ive always kept my mouth closed. I just figured what they didnt know whouldnt hurt them.
I personally dont think you can change who you are. And its not your fault it others dont agree with that. We all have our opinions. A lot of people dont understand what its like having to deal with coming out. It is one of the hardest things to do. There is A LOT of fear involved. You fear losing your friends, your family... you are afraid you will never be accepted.. afraid you will lose everything and you will be nothing.
However, I can tell you, when I finally decided to come out, it was the hardest thing I ever did... BUT, it was the best thing I ever did. It was so freeing to just be me all the time. I was still the same person, but I felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. Its like no other feeling. But listen, please dont think that you HAVE to come out right now.. you can wait as long as you need. You will know when the time is right, trust me.
Im not sure how old you are, maybe 12-13ish.. 14 maybe... anyways, I think in most places you have to be 14 in order to see a therapist without your parents knowing exactly why. I want to encourage you to continue talking about this. Its hard to accept yourself some times but its just a part of you... its not WHO you are. I know so many people and Im a really nice person and so many people enjoy being around me and talking to me, and they wont know that Im gay.... and when they find out, they are fine with it... because its not who I am... its just part of me.. and I dont feel like I have to tell everyone I meet. Let people get to know YOU. Then, it wont matter if your gay or not.... they will see you for who you are... not what you are.
I want to encourage you to check out a few websites. TheTrevorProject is amazing. They have a phone line you can call 24-7 and they will help you. Try looking at GLAAD, Soulforce, GLSEN...PFLAG.... there are so many resources out there. Anytime you need to talk you can email me also, just click on my screen name and it will take you to my profile, my email is listed. Feel free to take advantage of that as often as you like. I will do what I can for you and I understand what you are going through. Also, I would like to encourage you to go to your school counselor or a teacher, someone you can trust. They cant repeat what you say... and they cant turn you away if you say you are gay. They are ethically bound to help you. I went to my school counselor for like 3 years! I went like every week...sometimes several days a week! I still go talk to her and Im a freshman in college!! It is a really good thing. If you are not comfortable talking, write a letter and give it to him/her... and then go back and they will tlak to you. Thats what I had to do. But, I really encourage you to do this because you always have someone on your side. You are never alone and you will have support. They can help you.
As for coming out now or waiting, I would say wait until you are you ready. Wait until you are completely comfortable with it. No one has to know RIGHT NOW... its doesnt matter. You dont have to tell the world.. like I said, its not who you are... You can wait as long as you want or you dont have to wait. It is different for everyone. So, do what you want.
Also, I wanted to touch on your destructive behavior. You are NOT alone. I did the very same thing. Occasionally, I still do. Its not the right thing to do... but at the time maybe it helps... but in the long run, its not your best option. There are so many other things you could be doing. Im 18 now. Im a freshman in college. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. And I still talk to my school counselor. And theres nothing wrong with that! Im not ashamed of anything and I dont regret anything... I have gotten help for that and now Im fine with being gay. I have a girlfriend now and Im happy so, its pretty much behind me now... and as time goes on, it will be in your past as well. As hard as it is now... it DOES get easier. It gets better.
I am a part of my campus Gay Straight Alliance and running for Vice President. I do a lot of advocating for gay youth. Which reminds me, an excellent site to check out is: youthnoise.com it has a channel called "tolerance" and there is LOTS of material on being gay. I am personally a featured blogger over that channel so I know there is a lot of helpful stuff there. You may also want to try trevorspace.com it is very similar to myspace, however it is for any gay, ***, bi, trans, questioning, or ally person. Perhaps you could go there and there may be other people in your area.
Well, this is really long, but its something that I care a lot about. I am going into Social Work and Sociology and Family Studies with a concentration in gay/*** youth. So, this is something I really enjoy doing and I will help you as much as I can... so, take a breath and give it some time. Email me or post on here for support... and things will work out for you!
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Rozerem, Melatonin, Currently taking: Prozac 40mg (July 09), Trazadone 50mg (Sept 09)-Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to
forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"