Bitter

Saetyl

Regular Member

Joined : Aug 2004

Posts : 97

Posted 11/5/2004 4:52 PM (GMT -7)

I used to be a better person. Truly. I was never a happy child, a happy person... but now I am worse than just not happy: I am bitter.

The last two to three years of my life have been wraught with nothing but illness, depression, and anxiety attacks. If its not one thing, its another. And if one more person tells me that it will "all get better" I will reach over and strangle them. It won't get better. I have a chronic illness now, and as far as I'm concerned my immune system is not going to fully recover where I won't get sick anymore.

My depression is not overwhelming sadness... it is anger and bitterness, and sometimes I hate myself for that. I would rather be sad than hate everyone for their health and happiness. Yes I know there are people worse off than me. Hell the doctors even thought I was worse before they ran tests on me, but I've been diagnosed three times in the last two years for several different illnesses and I don't even know if I can believe them this time.

How do I even begin to look at people without hatred and annoyance? How do I even begin to heal? Just because I laugh some times does not mean I am suddenly not depressed anymore. And just because I am somewhat social with shallow callous people does not mean I don't secretly hate them.

Just what am I supposed to do??

Ralph

Regular Member

Joined : Aug 2004

Posts : 139

Posted 11/6/2004 5:51 PM (GMT -7)

You need help from a professional. Read as much as you can on this site. You will find people like yourself. You will find answers. I know it.

Medication can help you. The right one has to be found. I found the first 2 things I tried were of no help.

Talk to us, and see your MD. When you open your heart and mind you will be surprised at what you cna accomplish.

Saetyl

Regular Member

Joined : Aug 2004

Posts : 97

Posted 11/8/2004 11:25 AM (GMT -7)

I am already seeing a therapist. I have already been on meds and although you can say that technically they worked, the side effects left me unable to do any of my work in school. I am in college. I am in architecture. This means I have to stay up late at night some times. I am already taking too many medications because of my medical problems and do not wish to take more. One of the causes of my depression is the medications. I REFUSE to take meds and I know I can function better without them. I find it really sad that everyone thinks that a little pill will solve everything like it's a little piece of magic. I so do wish I could believe this little lie with you, but I have been shown time and time again over the past two years that meds are not always the answer.
I thank you for your reply, but I am sorry as I disregard most of it. I have already learned about depression. I have already tried most of those things. I have no social support group other than my cat and my boyfriend. I even admit that sadly I was excited to have a reply and then bitter seeing what you said. Do you not think I would've tried these things? And yet... failure.

TheBitterEnd

New Member

Joined : Sep 2004

Posts : 13

Posted 11/8/2004 12:34 PM (GMT -7)

Ahh..A truely kindred spirit! Hello, Saetyl! Odd name! I Have found that the more I read your messages, the more I think I am not alone. My eyes twenge as I see another (take it for granted) walking up the stairs complaining that the three stairs are just to much. I look at my grinding hip, lean on my cane just alittle more, and try not to leap out at them in a whirlwind of teeth and finger nails. As if I could anyway! Just wanted to say I understand!

Best wishes in all your sarcasm!

Saetyl

Regular Member

Joined : Aug 2004

Posts : 97

Posted 11/8/2004 4:13 PM (GMT -7)

Julie, I could kiss you. For once someone has agreed with me on my views for not wanting to take excess meds. Thank you.
BitterEnd, I am glad I amuse you and you see me as someone who is like you.

Ralph

Regular Member

Joined : Aug 2004

Posts : 139

Posted 11/9/2004 8:22 AM (GMT -7)

SAETYL

In my previous post, I was not advocating all kinds of medication. I was talking about my present situation. One medication 75mg. daily and I am working to taking NO MEDICATION AT ALL.

I am not bitter, and I truly believe that if you were once a happy, positive, people loving person, you are STILL that person. It is just a matter of getting that feeling back. We are not here to be sarcastic, mean spirited or indifferent to your problems.

We have been in situations where going on with life has been a struggle. These feelings are always lurking in the shadows. Don't ever think you are alone, or that people do not care. They do and we do.

You have to believe you will survive.

Saetyl

Regular Member

Joined : Aug 2004

Posts : 97

Posted 11/9/2004 4:11 PM (GMT -7)

Thank you, Ralph. Really, I mean it, no sarcasm...
I am glad you are working to not be on meds. I just know that a lot of people depend on them to fix everything and don't have a working plan to get off of them, and it bothers me (call it my pet project, or whatever). I hope your weening period was better than mine. Remember to take it slow, sometimes slower than the doctors tell you, believe it or not.
I did not mean to come off as snapish or anything towards you, I am just at a period right now where I hate medications, hate having to take them, and don't want to put anything in my mouth that I don't have to to survive.
Am I rambling? I dunno. Anyways, thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate it.

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