Today was hard :(

i went to the centre today even tho i didn't feel like doing so.  The whole time i was outside (which wasn't long) I was crapting myself and i was tht wound up tht i was feeling physically sick.  When i got to the centre there was a meeting taking place to i decided to sit outside with a frend whike they had a fag bcoz tht was a lot more appealing than sitting in a crowded room with god knows how many pairs of eyes burning into the back of my head (eugh I feel awful just thinking about it).  After the meeting was finished i went and had a chat with my keyworker and explained to him how i have been feeling for the last few days and he wants ne back in tomorrow even if is just to talk about how I feel (i'm not sure as it is not for sure tht i will be able to get a chsnce to speak to him).  I then had lunch and it was time for me to go to my hearing voices support group at another local centre.  While i was there i talked about my paranoia and how it's affecting me and while the group were having their fag break I talked to the facilitator about it in a bit more detail and just as i was leaving he told me tht if i ever needed to talk about the paranoia not to hesitste in phoning him.  After the group I came straight home, locked the door and have been lurking in the dark ever since.  I have been fighting the urge to drink again aswell as it is the only thing i have found up til now tht eases the paranoia.  Sooner or later I am going to crack