Posted 11/14/2004 8:01 PM (GMT -6)
i'm 17. Transferring schools in the middle of my sophomore year was really hard on me. Moving from a tropical climate to the cold of the Great Northwest didn't help all that much either. Moving stateside where everything was different didn't help. On top of stress and my first anxiety attack, all the problems from my childhood regurgitated too.
My parents divorced when i was 7. Certain memories keep coming back, some of which i want to share in hopes of finding relief, support, and help.
1. My family is Asian. Traditionally, we don't celebrate valentine's day, but since i had started preschool in America, i knew that Sunday was special; it was Valentine's Day. I had gotten my first Teddy Bear the day before, too, with an oversized plastic heart full of candy. I got up that morning, walked down the hallway; i had heard them talking so i was excited to share my first valentine's day. I walk in, and i see my dad kicking and hitting my mom. I started crying after seeing my mom's scared face, and she just tells me to go back to my room. I stood there after she said that, crying, not understanding, and my dad yells, so i run down the hallway, Teddy in my arms and crawl back to bed, bawling.
2. ONe nite, my mom left me alone so she could "buy a book". She wrapped me in my favorite Mickey and Pluto beach blanket and put in a Disney tape. After watching the tape until it had finished, the tv went to the blue screen that signaled the end of the tape. I started feeling scared, i started crying, and i started feeling sick. I finally got up, opened the door and knocked on a neighbor's door (we were living on the third floor of an apartment complex). The first door i knocked on was the door of a firefighter, not the door i was looking for. So i ran back, then ran back out again, to find the door of a familiar neighbor. She took me inside and felt my head. I told her i felt sick, so she gave me a trashcan. A few minutes later, i was throwing up. SHe took me back to "our" apartment and stayed with me until i my dad came home from work. I don't really remember the rest of the details, but i do remember seeing my mom again, getting off a motorcycle and then coming up the stairs. I met her at the top of the stairs, and when she saw me, she asked me what was wrong, and i told her i got sick, then i asked, "Did you find your book?" and she replied, "What book?"
3. Another nite, i was left alone again, my mom was down the street at a friend's apartment. The hostess brought my mom up the stairs and i opened the door for them. She had drunk wine, she explained, then left. My mom walked outside again, then fell asleep on the first step of the stairway, head against the green railing. I tried waking her up..tried pulling her inside. Crying from my failure i went back inside and brushed my teeth, knowing that if i brushed my teeth Mom would see me as a good girl. She came in while i was brushing my teeth, crying, and she petted my hair. Then she went to sleep. After that, i grabbed my plastic yellow jumprope and stood outside the door to "our" apartment. Then I...i started swinging it around my head..doing some made-up ritual, talking to God. I started swining the jumprope from side-to-side then. And i told God to punish me for what i could not do...i felt horrible for not being able to help my mom...the jumprope whipped me against my leg. I took the stinging as a punishment God had sent for me. So i kept doing it. I whipped myself for the wrong i did not do, for the wrong i could not fix at the age of 5.
4. When my parents finaly split up, my mom moved to Florida to be with my current stepdad. I moved with her a year later. I had never wet my bed before this move, but in the 2nd grade i had started...but besides that, after nearly a year living with her and her fiance, my biological father called while we were hosting a dinner party with some neighbors. He and i talked..it seemed he was frustrated..and i was confused, i didn't know wut to say. After he yelled at me, i told him i had to go..i told him i loved him and he hung up on me. I have never felt so crapty before. Age 8, and i had already become a failure, a loss, a waste to someone that used to mean so much to me.
These memories keep reoccuring in my head. I don't think i'm good enough for anything. Since i had moved, i have had a terrible time adjusting.
And as for my biological dad? We haven't had a real conversation in years. It feels like he had abandoned me. I hadn't talked to him since i've moved...and i don't know if i should or not. I feel so confused, and angry, and i keep worrying about how others are feeling, i try not to share my problems...but when i do..i can't come to an answer. I don't know if i had done the right thing..i feel that i caused him so much pain...it's one thing to grieve over someone who had died...but to grieve over someone who is alive to the world but dead to yours...it's a crapty feeling.
I need an alternative. I had thought about seeing a counselor without my parents knowing...but i'm not sure. I'm confused on what to do...i just..i can't take this anymore. I've researched depression, and maybe i'm just going through issues..?? A close friend whom i shared this with said people think of suicide too, and he had told me that i am a beautiful and smart person, and perhaps that's why my parents didn't take me seriously..but it hurts to not be understood when i'm screaming silently for help.....i felt that joining a message board would help me cope...so please......help.
Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 11/15/2004 10:56:53 AM (GMT-7)