Well, we have had our talk and it was as I suspected and dreaded. I am very sad, as is he, he sobbed alot which was suprising as he never cries, hasn't cried in over 20 years, not even when he couldn't see his children for a while. Perhaps this is a turning point for him and the walls will come down a bit as he goes on his journey from here on in.
He wants to take a break and take care of himself. And, that is fair enough. His job is so exhausting, but he needs to keep working, so he said he needs to get into a routine of work, gym for exercise, healthy food, and good sleep. This will be in the city where he works as he will stay there most of the time.
He will be ringing a counsellor on Monday, he acknowledged and agreed he is in a serious depressive episode. He wasn't too keen on the anti depressive meds, but if a counsellor recommends them I am sure he will comply. He has taken himself off to counselling before, so I have no doubt he will do this.
He apologized profusely for the pain he put me through for the days he was taking his 'space' as he said he realises that meant he had all the power and I was left waiting and that was horrendous for me.
He also said that in this 2 month break I could work on me too and if someone else comes along and I want to go out with them, all he wants is for me to be happy and make the decisions that are best for me and my future.
However, he knows I just won't be jumping into a new relationship. I could if I wanted to, there is a guy I met recently who has made it quite clear he'd like to take me out and he seemed very nice. But, I won't be doing that. Even if we don't get back together, I need time to heal and work on me and grow strong again. I told him as much, and he also agreed that the last thing he'll be doing is finding someone else as this time is to work on getting healthy and not entangling himself with someone else.
The distance and his work was the killer..... in his present state of mind he just can't imagine us making it work. I offered to drive and see him alot more, we could see each other up to 5 times a week sometimes, but he wouldn't agree. I think he was just worried about the effect on me (it would be quite tiring), and the scheduling and organising of it all would be just too mind numbing presently.
I'm not sure how this will work but we have agreed to talk to each other once a week on the phone on a Monday night at around 7 o'clock to see how the other is going and just keep our connection alive. There will be no texting or other contact.
Then, in two months time we will meet up face to face and see how the other is going, and whether or not he is feeling sufficiently better to attempt us trying something again. The distance will still be an issue however, but we have never tried to brainstorm ways around it, and there are some solutions that would mitigate that until we could be in the same city together all the time. When he first started his job it was fine, the hours and distance wore him down after about 8 months and the depression kicked in at a higher level and subsequently seriously exploded over the last month.
He said he loves me with his whole heart, I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, he's never loved anyone like he's loved me, and he really wants himself, his children and me to be a family.
He said his heart is telling him to stay together, but his brain is saying what he needs to do now is take everything back to basics, get a routine in place, and focus completely on himself with no distractions. We'll see how that goes. He was so sad at not seeing me enough due to his work and the time constraints, I'm not sure how he'll cope with not seeing me at all. Having a loving partner to support him can only be beneficial, but he will be going it alone except for his 2 close male friends who live here where I do (and he hasn't shared this situation with them, you know what men are like, and probably won't go into great detail about it). He has no family to lean on due to his abusive childhood and his no contact with them.... so I'm his only real close and intimate support.... or would have been.
The next contact should have been not tomorrow (Monday) but the Monday after - that would have been our first Monday call. We decided not to do it tomorrow as it would be too soon and too raw. We decided to text one another on Christmas day just to wish the other well and let them know we were thinking of them.
But, he rang a few minutes ago to see how I was going. I said I was surviving, and he said that's all he was doing too. He told me he loved me again and signed off.
I guess now I wait and see how this all pans out. It will be hard. But, I have hopes that once he is clearer of mind and feeling healthier we may be able to give it a better shot. We are both tired at the moment.
Even though I don't like it..... and am extremely distressed and sad, it was probably the best thing for now. Otherwise it may have dragged on until we started to lose feelings for one another and became even tireder and more worn out. Although, I do think having my love and support as a partner would have helped him greatly, and I was prepared to do that.
I will be focusing on myself, and hoping and praying that his recovery is going well, and that he is getting the help he needs. If in 2 months he has not sought help, that would have to be it. I do however think he will be straight onto getting help on Monday as he said.
There is hope yet. We both agreed we believe in our relationship and we have faith in it, and there is still a chance we can pull it off. We both love one another deeply.
So there we are and here I am. Not happy, but trying to be positive and focus on what I need to do to move forward. My first counselling session is on the 4th of January, so I look forward to that alot.
Thank you so much for your wonderful and caring support. Through all of this chaos, you have been a new found and lovely friend.
I will post again as this forum has been a great find. I may have a look around the other forums and see what I can find to help me on my own journey of getting really healthy and exercising again. Sleeping better is an issue too so I will look into that.
Thanks again Karen, you are an angel.