I'm the depressed wife ...

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/27/2009 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been horribly depressed for about two weeks. We're having financial problems (both laid off, barely surviving on unemployment), and I am having health problems (Multiple Sclerosis).

Lately I just want to hide. I feel so scared and overwhelmed and as if a thousand pounds of invisible weight were pressing down on me. The thought of taking a shower or going outside or worse to a job interview or even to walk the dog seem like enormous, impossible tasks.

My new husband (married 6 months) has never really dealt with depression, and his response is to be angry and resentful. It feels like (and I know my perspective is skewed right now) he doesn't look at me anymore - when he talks to me he looks in another direction, won't tell me what he is thinking, and today went out by himself and I don't know ... I feel like he gave me a guilt trip over it. He says he has been depressed but he doesn't let it take over his life.

I feel like our whole future is on my shoulders, because he takes everything so lightly and doesn't seem to be worried about our financial problems or my health issues. He acts like things will just work out on their own, and has put off looking for work until after the holidays. I do our budget and know that we don't have time to lose. I don't know what will happen next month when the bills are due, all I know is we won't have the money to pay them.

Christmas was a joke. We had no tree, no presents, nothing - and that made me sad as well.

On top of that I have this disease (MS) and my health insurance was cut off.

I don't know. I feel so misunderstood. I feel like he thinks it's a choice I made, to feel depressed, scared, terrified really, and so so so so so alone. 

I got out the business card of a psychiatrist and told my husband I was going to get an appointment. I asked him to be patient and told him that I needed reassurance and support and encouragement.

He doesn't seem to have any idea of what that means. He just seems disgusted with me, which makes me feel worse than I already do. I don't think he has any idea how awful depression can feel, or how it can get to this point (my not even wanting to get out of bed).

Can anyone help?

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/27/2009 9:12:12 PM (GMT-7)

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/27/2009 11:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I had an MRI yesterday and it was a big deal to me because I have claustrophobia and also because with MS, each new MRI inevitably brings bad news. He went on and on about how it was no big deal, he'd had one, I was blowing it out of proportion and exaggerating. I get so anxious when I have MRIs that my BP goes way up - I bleed when they put the IV in to insert the contrast - once the IV tubed popped right out of my arm. I am laying in bed ALONE. He is laying on the couch watching some television program about Hollywood and smiling. I can't remember the last time he smiled at me. I think he gave up on me already. I am trying to help myself here. I know I need medication and counseling. I've been through some pretty awful things such as my best friend dying in my house less than a year ago, being hit by a drunk, uninsured driver less than a year ago, being the victim of a serious assault (also within the past year), not including past things. He's had a really easy life - never having had to work for anything (wealthy parents) and got bailed out whenever he screwed up and I don't think he even remotely understands my past or our lives together now (as adults without anyone to depend on). I feel like he expects me to miraculously solve our financial problems. I keep applying for jobs despite this depression, but I have an interview tomorrow and I have no idea where my interview clothes are, my nails are a mess ... it just feels like we are in a vicious cycle where we end up resenting each other more and distancing more and I don't know what to do. I'm ready to give up.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 12/27/2009 11:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,
I am so happy that you have joined us.  I had to take one sentence out of your post due to the rules.  So please familiarize yourself with them. 
This is truly a stressful time of year.  But worrying doesn't solve anything, it only makes you feel worse.  Know that what ever happens, you and your husband are in this together, and even though it doesn't seem like he is worrying, I imagine that he is. 
I know how you feel when you get to the point where you don't even want to shower or get out of bed, I have been there.  It is a horrible feeling.  But try to do these things anyway.  And give yourself permission to stay in bed once in a while.  Maybe then you will get some actual rest. 
I take a medication called adderall to get me going.  Have you let the doc know how you are feeling?  He might be able to prescribe you something to help.  I know that you said that they cut you off of your ins.  But adderall is a relatively cheap drug.  You might be able to swing it. 
Hopefully your hb will be working soon and all of this will be off of your shoulders.  I know it is a hard burden to carry alone.
Have you checked out the MS board here?  You might be able to get some information that could help you.  So give it a try.  Do some reading.  If nothing else, you could make some friends on the forum. 
I hope that things start getting better for you soon.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 12/28/2009 5:38 AM (GMT -6)   
good on you for seeking help verde. keep posting, we are here for you. my compassionate thoughts are being sent. jamie.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/28/2009 4:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Today I tried to start climbing out of this depression. Even though I was up until 4am, I got up before my husband and made phone calls (including the psychiatrist) and filled out city job applications online for both myself and my husband. I was talking about how we could all share in cleaning the house. While I am doing this, my husband, who must know I am hanging by a thread as I haven't showered or gotten out of bed and just cry all the time, starts to go through my cell phone, doing a number search on the calls I made to see if I "really did" what I said I did. At the same time, he's going through my emails. That little bit of motivation I mustered up to try to start to climb out of this abyss just evaporated, and I slid right back down. I got in bed, numb and discouraged and feeling so hopeless. He came and stood in the doorway and looked at me. First he started about how he was sorry but I had done this and this and this wrong ... then he apologized but couldn't tell me what he was sorry for. I got upset and said look I am barely hanging on here. I am barely making it. I made a huge effort to get out of bed and accomplish things today and start the process of getting help and you just attack me and criticize me and focus on my faults and mistakes. I started to cry and just pulled the covers over my head and soon I was shaking and sobbing. I thought he'd walked away. Then suddenly he said very quietly , "Is it possible for me to use your car key? I need to get my cell phone charger." He just stood there and watched me cry.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/28/2009 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   

Verde, I've been where you are and it's not a pleasant place to be.  When I was found to have hep C in '93 and could no longer work FT, my then-husband (we'd only been married about 3 yrs.) was angry.  He put me down so much that the marriage didn't survive.  I hope this won't be the case with you, but men (and my apologies to those here) can be strange creatures.  They don't seem to react to things the way we do.  When they are fearful, it may come across as anger.  He may not know HOW to react.  My advice to you is not to expect anything from him.  Yes, we should be able to expect compassion and support from our partners, but that's not always the reality.  Seek it instead from your family, friends, and/or the people here.  Do what you have to do for you--because you want to change things.  Give yourself credit for every little positive thing you do each day, even if it's just getting out of bed.  We have absolutely no control over others and what they do or don't--only ourselves.  There are clinics out there that are free or on a sliding scale.  You can get many Rxs at Walmart and other pharmacies for $4.  If you are not on an antidepressant, you probably need to be, or perhaps get a change in dosage or type of medicine.  Please do seek help.  My thoughts and prayers will be with you at this difficult time.



Forum moderator - Hepatitis
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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