Hello Ryuzaki. Your post sounded a lot like me when I was your age. (I'm old and over the hill now at 42!) When I was 15 years old I met my ex-husband and continued to date him until I was 20 when I married him. Ultimately, we divorced a little over 5 years ago. For over 22 years I was in a verbal and psychological abusive relationship. He used to yell and scream obscenities at me, nothing
I ever did was right (which led me to continuously trying harder and harder to do better) and he just treated me so badly that I lost all sense of myself and to this day I am still in therapy working on my lack of self-esteem and all my invisible wounds.
I can honestly feel and understand your pain in your post. And please do not think I am minimizing it when I tell you how lucky I consider you to be that your relationship is now over. I understand what it feels like to pin all your hopes onto a relationship and keep it going to try to make it right. But please trust me when I say how much you are only hurting yourself by doing this. I look back now and see how much I missed and denied myself over the past 20+ years. You are a very special person and you deserve to be treated that way. No relationship is perfect, but trust me the relationship that you describe is truly toxic to you as Jamie said. You are selling yourself short!!
Perhaps you might need more therapy again to work on self-esteem issues and learning to love yourself for who you are. (God knows I am still working on this.) As you are only 18 now you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. You have the opportunity to have a wonderful future. Thus, my closing advice to you is to immediately stop all contact with your ex-boyfriend. Any contact you have now or could continue to have will only serve to hurt you further. Use this time to grieve for what is over and to begin to move forward. And if the opportunity for therapy will not come along for seven months, you could use this interim time to find some self-help books on self-esteem or even co-dependency and try to put yourself in a much better and happier place. And/or perhaps you could find a church minister or another trusted adult that you could speak to in the meantime.
I am glad that you found us here at HealingWell. Please know that we are always here for you!
Post Edited (CassandraLee) : 12/28/2009 8:14:26 AM (GMT-7)