Honestly, if I had a bit more time, I would pull up my old posts from when I first started posting here so you could see that they are almost identical to what you are writing. I felt so horrible. I thought I was just a drain on society. I wanted to get better at hiding my misery, but I didn't really want it to go away because I was sure I deserved it. and even if I didn't deserve it, I felt like if I wasn't miserable, than all that misery would be out in the world & would land on someone else. so it may as well have been me.
Over & over again I refused to get help. People kept suggesting counseling, but really talking about my problems just made them worse. Art therapy helped some, but I got frustrated with that. I was put on one anti-depressant after another & all they did was make me worse -- more depressed, more agitated, more desperate. I was so sure I would never act anything out, but then one day I did. Somehow, I survived and I made a commitment to my best friend that no matter what I would never try anything again. Honestly, it was so awful, so painful for a while I didn't need any convincing. But I just couldn't shake off that awful feeling. Finally, when my hair started falling out in globs, I went to the doctor and they ran several tests that showed I had serious underlying medical conditions that were causing me to feel so horrible most of the time.
I don't mean to say that everything is totally perfect now. It's not. But I have so much more energy. I can sleep at night & go to work. I am on medication, but not anti-depressants. I take synthroid (for hypothyroidism), birth control pills (to regulate female hormones & prevent anemia from having my period 3 weeks every month), iron & b12 (for pernicious anemia). I had so much working against me that it was nearly impossible to fight negative thoughts.
But what has made a difference in how I feel about myself has been volunteering & helping others. My favorite book is "The Night is Dark and I am far from home" by Jonathan Kozol. He is an educational sociologist who has a totally different take on depression. He admits that some people do have biologically-based depression, but his point of view is that many people diagnosed with depression & told to just build self-esteem would benefit more by facing and working on some of the troubling things they see in the world. There is a lot of injustice in our world & each person is created to fill a place in this world. There are things to be done & people to be helped that only you can handle. Maybe there are underlying physical causes for why you're feeling the way you do -- if that's the case, a medical doctor can help. Maybe there are psychological issues that you could benefit from discussing with a counselor or minister or teacher or friend. But sometimes I think that sadness we feel is a catalyst to help others or work to change our world. It is a call to volunteer. It is a motivator to ask someone how we can help make their life easier. Many faith traditions teach that we are created to serve god & others. But even if you don't believe that, there is a demonstrated benefit from taking something we're good at & using it to help someone in need.
I know from my own experience that while the medication & high dose vitamins did make a difference, what finally got me feeling like I have earned my place in this world was connecting with other people & helping them out. When I was in high school, I loved working with an after school program that promoted literacy and social skills in first and second grade at-risk students. Hearing from their teachers that my work with the children made a real difference in their grades & behavior was so rewarding. It was amazing to think that me & one other person could have such an impact on the lives of 12 young children.
You will make your own decisions about whether or not to seek medical or psychological or spiritual help, but regardless, I really want to encourage you to try volunteering. If nothing else, it will get your mind off your own problems and on to other people's problems for a short while. Most likely your pastor, teachers, coaches, maybe even parents, can help you find a local charity that could use an extra volunteer. A couple hours a week can make all the difference.