Not sure how to keep going anymore

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/12/2010 10:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm not sure this is really best suited for a depression board, but I've been having varying emotions, and have felt depressed a large amount of the time. about a month ago, I was going home for Christmas break and I was raped on the way. The only person I've talked to about it is my boyfriend, which is hard since I don't feel comfortable talking about it often and he just wants me to share my feelings with him. Honestly, I can't believe it happened. It seems foreign and alien to me. My body doesn't feel right. I've had anxiety attacks and jumpiness whenever I leave the house or whenever someone touches me, but mostly I've just wanted to lie in bed all day and sleep and eat. I don't really feel like crying most of the time, but I don't want to see anyone. I feel different than I ever did before, like it made me someone else, and I hate it. I feel like my life means nothing and everything is pointless. When I do cry, it's devastating. I have a history of depression and self mutilation, and I'm afraid that I'll fall back into it when my boyfriend isn't around. I hate that I feel so dependent on his presence to keep me from harm and panic, but there's nothing else I feel like I can do. He makes me more comfortable than I would normally be. I am beginning to feel suspicious of him, though, for no reason, something I think is part of my immediate aversion to men. I don't have insurance or money, so I can't get professional help, but I don't want to live in varying states of panic and depression and hating myself all the time. I feel like I'll never get better, and that my life is just one huge mess and has no point or purpose. I feel like an idiot, like I'm the one whose fault it was, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I never feel completely safe. Sorry if this isn't the appropriate place to post this. I just don't know what to do. If there's anything anyone can suggest, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 1/12/2010 11:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Vulpes,
Welcome to the depression forum.  I am so sorry for what has happened to you.  It is not your fault and you didn't deserve it.  Did you press charges against this person???  I know that it is hard to do, but maybe you should think about it to get some closure on the matter.
I would go to your local mental health facility and explain what has happened.  There are often programs for people with no insurance.  You need some professional counseling to get through this.
I am glad that your boyfriend is supportive of you.  I know that you don't want to talk about the incident, but you need to get it out.  Reflect on it and realize that it was not your fault.
Keep posting.  Take care of you right now.  IF you don't feel like going out, allow yourself to relax and stay in.  Don't feel guilty.  You need to heal and grieve what has happened to you.  Remember that you are a good person and didn't deserve what happened to you.  This was a horrible thing and the person who did it should be behind bars.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/12/2010 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Please get help now!! I've been there and YOU ARE WORTH IT! I strongly encourage you to call one of the numbers below:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline--This network sponsors various suicide prevention activities as well as a national hotline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Suicide Crisis Center--Various suicide resources, including lists of suicide hotlines by state (national hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE), tips for what to do if you're feeling suicidal, and links to for more information.

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20227
   Posted 1/13/2010 1:30 AM (GMT -6)   
you are not at fault!! you did nothing wrong. i understand. yes i am a man and the same happened to me when i was a young boy. i received free counselling through my local sexual abuse counselling service. the people are wonderful, supportive and have excellent resources as well. i too felt shame, but this passed. i thought i was the problem, that i was bad and at fault, but after counselling i learn't it was just about power. i am very sorry that this violation happened to you. am here for you. with compassion, jamie.

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