Posted 2/5/2010 1:24 PM (GMT -6)
So, I really wanted to comment here... I hope that you can perhaps email me and we could talk that way, as to not take up so much space on here talking about this. But, I know exactly where you are coming from. And there is nothing wrong with your brain or anything. And its not a stupid thing to think just because you are a girl.
I have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. Growing up with brothers and guy friends... I didnt really pay attention that I was a girl. Or that I was any different from them. Then, when high school comes along and there are so many "expectations".. thats when things got SO complicated for me. I dated guys. And I enjoyed it. Sometimes it was weird I think... but then I just stopped dating altogether. Next thing I know, I fell for a girl. And another girl.. and so on. My best friend (who is a girl) was secretly in love with me. All my friends knew, but I didnt know until she finally told me. It was nice to have someone say they loved me and wanted to be with me forever and I could not have asked for a better person.... but, after dating some, I felt like it was weird. Im still not sure if its because we had been friends so long or because she was a girl. But, when we dated... I thought abt dating guys. I still am. For over a year now I have lived as a gay female. Exclusively. However, I felt that if I found the right guy then I would go down that road..
I understand exactly what you are saying about looks. If you are interested in guys, and you are a girl, you feel like you have to dress all girly and be pretty and everything all the time. However, if you were a guy, it is a little easier to "look good" for another guy. For example, Im a girl, but I dont wear makeup. Thats one less thing I dont worry about. I dont dress girly. I do dress like a guy, but I also dress nice, like a guy. I do spend a lot of time "looking good" which involves me spending a lot of time in the bathroom with hair gel and such making it look perfect! lol... It just seems easier for a guy to look good than for a girl. Because for a girl there are so many different things to consider. Hair, makeup, nails, tight jeans, low cut shirts, jewelry... etc.... A guy worries about his hair, putting on his jeans, and putting on a shirt, a spray of something nice smelling.... etc whatever. It just the steriotype that the American society has created.
Looks arent so important though. More importantly, I understand what it feels like to want to be a guy. I have often thought my life would be better if only I were a guy. I wouldnt take it so far as to have the surgery, because I want my own kids... but everything else I would change to be a guy. Its hard to figure out exactly what you want and what is right for yourself. I still struggle with this. Im liking guys more now.. and Im a girl.. but, I feel more like a guy.. and its hard to find someone to be with who is okay with that situation, but its not impossible.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to email me. My address is in my profile. I dont mind at all. Also, I would encourage you to talk to a counselor. They can be helpful. They dont tell you what to do, but they can help sort things out... So, anyways, I hope this helps... to know that you are not alone and I am here to talk if you want or need to. Take Care