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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/19/2010 4:26 AM (GMT -6)   
not quite sure who i am...
all my life i feel like ive been trying to be two diffrent types of people to impress those around me that now i have no idea who I am.

i have never been popular...far from it nobody has ever liked me even my own parents didnt like mom thought that i was a complete ... and that im pathetic and wont get anywhere, my dad is never around (buissness) and when i was younger the only time i did see him he didnt want to see me. their has been a few incidents when hes gotten violent-once he threw me into our glass cofee table and my head smashed throught the glass leaving both physical and emotional scars, other times hes punched me pushed me into walls and once even threw me down and started kicking me..he always apolagizes and says hes sorry but then he turns around and does it again. my mom is cheating on my dad constently right in front of us, shes always gone partying and getting drunk. we used to always be broke...we were all sleeping in a one room apartment(4 brothers and sisters) on the floor. i dont really care about<b> the physical abuse its the emotional abuse that makes me cry almost every night feeling like your pathetic and noone will ever want you and you will never have friend and just wishing that you could dissapear that everything could dissapear its like your sinking into a black hole and everyones watching but noone cares enough to pull you out.</b>
until my dad started making money... now everythings "better". my mom talks to me my dads always home and youd think we were a normal family...i think they expect me to forget everythings that happened just forget about<b> it or maby they r hoping i for got but now im confused because i dont want to scratch the newly formed relation ship between my parents and me so around mom i act like her (a bit of a hoe) and around dad i act like him(good cristian who believes in living plain) and now im completely lost and have no idea about who I am. i found the lord and i talk whenever i can to him but i just need some one to talk to... ive been to several councilors but dont like to tak because ive always felt i was betraying my parents</b>

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/19/2010 6:25:15 PM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 1/19/2010 10:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the depression forum.  It sounds like you are trying to figure out who you are and that takes time.  Just be you.  Counseling is the way to go, you would not be betraying your parents if you went.  Everything is confidential, and stays behind four walls.  It is up to you to do something about this, and through this you will find your self.  You owe this to yourself.
I think at your age, this is normal.  Trying to figure out who you are, but a lot of that comes in time, as you get older you mold into the person that you want to be.  And the person that you want to be is the person that you are.  Regardless of what you feel.
I hope that you get some answers, coming here is a good thing.  You will get feedback and support.  So keep posting, and know that we are here to support you.
What your father did by throwing you through a plate glass window was not right, regardless that he has changed.  You might want to explore that with a counselor and get your feelings out.  I am not saying to not forgive him.  Forgiveness is good, but you need to access the situation and the feelings that you had at that time and realize that you deserved to have those feelings.  But after that, you leave the past in the past.  But you need to work through it first.
I hope that your mom has changed.  I hope that she is there for your family now and that she isn't doing what she was doing before.  It sounds like you have a really troubled past and need to come to grips with it.  Regardless, be you.  No body else.  Go to counseling, discover yourself.  Learn to love yourself.  You are a good person.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 1/19/2010 11:08 AM (GMT -6)   
shawtee, karen has given you some excellent wisdom. you need to release this pain. what has happened is very wrong. you are not at fault, please seek some professional help. time does help heal, albeit from one who alike you has suffered i can tell you that therapy really helped me. you my dear are a precious human of this earth, with gifts and talents unique to you, find you, be you and be true. my compassionate healing prayers are with you. many healings, jamie.

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