I'm here because some of you know what it's like to deal with depression during times of uncertainty. I'm not doing as well as I thought I would with many problems and some of them I've had no opportunity to tell anyone. The one's I have told family and those I can are about being unemployed, desperate for work and struggling with a lack of wellbeing. The lack includes lowering self-worth, thoughts about self-destruction (for me that could include drinking, but not likely suicide). I'm struggling with actions that will help, like praying. I just don't do it. It's like I'm blocked up, I'm there, but I'm not as focused as I want to be.
One thing that bothers me, is that I know pretty well what is going on, why it's happening and what I could do about it, yet I'm so totally stuck. This is not exactly new to me, but this time it's self destructive. If I don't get some things going, I'll be hurt more. Such as aggressive job hunting. I've barely maintained the search. I look, I apply, but after so long (6 months, nearly every day and 2 years on and off) I'm just bled out and blocked.
The thing I can't find anyone to talk with about is my wife. The problems are more complicated than time or this forum can deal with. This is a monogamous relationship of over 28 years. We've been married over 25 of those. We have two children and we're both Christians. However, the problems we face have more torn us than strengthened us. We don't work together, and the kicker is we never have. It's been a very tumultuous marriage and I filed for divorce in 2008, but failed to go through with it. I was as helpless then as I am now.
She has a very vicious attitude toward me being a failure. She (in my opinion) attacks me verbally and I label it abusive. We've had plenty of marriage counseling but nothing continues for progress. I have never made enough money to satisfy her, and it is true, I have made many years of the marriage far less than what could be expected. I have a BS degree in Marketing and not considering my history of drinking (now 10 yrs sober) I have had 18 years of work experience since graduating. I have 15 more years to add to work experience prior to graduating. So I've been productive. BUT, I've always been paid minimum wage. Recall that was $2.25 when I was growing up, and when I started college it was only $3.05 an hour. This was not a living wage, and it's been like that for too much of the marriage.
A few years I've made good, I guess something like 5 of them. That's a huge problem to my wife, and I don't like it either. Here's the gist of the current crisis. I tried to become a self-employed business owner from 2000 -2009. I was marginally successful and thought success was coming in 2006. This was two years after our son was born, and our daughter was in college (age 21). I just obtained my general contractors license and thought I could build a company. I was ready, I wanted it and tried very hard. I got a second mortgage, and a credit card. opened two new bank accounts and a savings account. I used the second mort. to buy tools and things needed to run a small business. I spent nearly $40,000, but also consolidated nearly $50,000 in other debt. So I racked up $40K in new debt on top of the $50K. All in an effort that I had planned and saw as my talent. It was an opportunity that showed great promise. Especially in the economy of 2006. After all, I had been doing steady work since 2000 with income near $30K for almost all of that time. I thought I would get somewhere for once in my life.
There I was working and getting along, and then 2008 hit me in the face. 2009 crushed me like an ant under some kids foot. Now I've just gotten a foreclosure notice and I'm being hounded by my banks. I can't find a job that seemed worth getting, as I had made a budget where $10/hr would be a minimum start wage. Even that was not going to pay the bills, but with my wife it could manage short term. The problem is I haven't found anything. I don't quite understand it, and now I'm so depressed I become blocked and in dire straights.
My wife is more abusive and I'm on edge, insomniac, isolating, hopeless, and can't pay to see a counselor. I am here to unload and read others experience. That's what I have found works. I have no where to turn and need to discuss this. I'm here with honesty and the last of my self worth to try something.
In a way, it's good to write this stuff down. I don't journal, as I know my wife would find it and mess with me. She messed with me over the little notebooks I had for my fifth step in AA. She found them and read them and then attacked me over stuff. Nothing was about being faithful, as I stated I'm monogamous. Totally faithful, but that's not enough. Love is drowned in anger and resentment, hopelessness and dysfunction.
Last night she mentioned dropping our son out of all day kindergarten and after school care in order to free money. I asked her in between her loud talk at me, what she would want to do with that money. I suggested we make a payment plan to stop the foreclosure and maybe make my car payment so I can drive our son to school and back, and continue possible job hunting and going to my AA, and Al-anon. She attacked that as I was only thinking of myself.
I wonder how that can be? I want to stop foreclosure on our home and try to maintain the ability to drive. Both are family needs. Why attack me? I'm sure she's got a huge problem with something, but I don't know what and have not been able to get her to go for one-on-one help. I have to work on myself, and trying to consider anything about her has been all but impossible.