I figure you guys may be able to give me some advice on some of this, as most of you are older than me and probably know more about
this kind of stuff. Warning: it is quite long, and for that I apologize.
Im very frustrated and upset. I suppose I could start with my parents. Some of you know I dont get along well with them. They fight a lot. Well, my mom has threatened to move out before, but she never did it. Well, now, she already has a place lined up and has told people about her leaving my dad. Most everyone knows, except my dad. The thing is, he is self-employed and doesnt make much to begin with, since he does lawn care, he doesnt work in the winter.. My mom buys and pays for a lot of stuff. Im worried that when my mom leaves, my dad wont be able to afford all the luxuries we have (cable, internet, cell phones, etc), but mostly I am worried about our house. This really isnt something an 18y/o should be worrying about, her family losing their home. But, my dad cant afford to pay everything on his own. He is quite stubborn and wont even get another job. I may be 18, but I know that I would get a job doing something anything as long as it meant providing for my family. So, I dont understand why he wont do the same.
So, Im worried he wont be able to afford it, and will lose our house. This is especially upsetting because when I came home from the hospital, this is the house I came home to. We have never moved. All my memories and everything are in this house. Its the only place I have ever known and I never want to lose it. Not to mention, my dad is an only child and doesnt have any family... Im not sure he would even have a place to go if he lost the house.
My friend who some of you know is pregnant... she has said it is okay if I move in with her. I spend a lot of time at her house anyways... and when the baby is born I will be keeping him anyways so... also, its very convenient. Its close to campus. Its close to my doctors and such. The thing is.. neither of us have jobs. She get food stamps and welfare. I try to help her out as much as I can. She has a 2room appartment. One room for her son who is going to be sharing it with the baby. And her room, which is where I would stay. Its a small place, but I would not have bills here. Although, I would pay half or more of everything anyways, as long as I could. I go to school so I am not gone very much. And she is trying to get her GED and go to college. We have talked about fixing our schedules so that one of us will be here to take care of the boys at all times. I would also like to get a job soon to make sure that I can pay everything I need. I have to stretch my school money to get by. I dont like that feeling of insecurity. Not to mention with the new baby, I will most likely be paying for most stuff.
Its a complicated situation. And Im sure many of you would think I were crazy for what I do. But, I love her little boy like my own.. and the one of the way is more "ours" than anything. I know she needs to take responsibility for her life and kids, but I love them and if she cant care for them, I will. They need someone in theirs lives to look up to and use as an example, ya know?... I wouldnt mind this setup...living with her. But, like I said, I have only ever lived in the same house. I dont want my dad to lose it when my mom leaves.
Im so upset and frustrated because there isnt anything I can do. Naturally, I always want to help people and do what I can, but this time there is nothing I can do. I want my mom to leave because she has been unhappy for so long and she deserves to be happy. I know it would help if she moved out. But, it wont help my dad. And may cause us to lose our house and tear our family apart. I dont work and I go to school. I cant afford to pick up the slack. I wont feel sorry for my dad because he should get a job... I love him and I dont want anything bad to happen, but he is an adult and should take more responsibility.
Im just not sure what I am supposed to do. I had a terrible relationship with my parents. My mom and I have improved. My dad and I have gotten worse. My mom wants to leave(and my little sister). My dad doesnt work and cant afford the bills. So, we could end up losing the only house I have ever known. He could end up homeless because he has nowhere to go. I have this baby on the way that I want to focus my attention on. And my friend has given me the okay to move in and stay with her. Not to mention, I am having to keep up with school which has become very difficult. My depression is starting to overcome me once again and I feel I am on he path to losing myself all over again. And everything else as well. I go to bed at night thinking about all of this and wondering what I am supposed to do. Theres nothing I can do. But, I dont want to just leave and stay with my friend and take care of the baby...it would be like abandoning my family(who will be torn apart anyways).
I dont like being stuck in this situation. I always look for ways to help, but this time theres no way, theres nothing I can do to make this better. And its pulling me down. I guess I just needed to vent ALOT... but if anyone has any advice or anything, thats very much accepted. Thanks for listening. Take Care
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Rozerem, Melatonin, Currently taking: Prozac 40mg (July 09), Trazadone 100mg (Sept 09), Focalin XR 5mg, Clonazepam 1mg, Wellburtin XL 150mg-Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder, OCD"Cracks
in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
"Sometimes it is best to
what you feel
what you deserve